《Giving advice》
Q: In this spiritual path, what is the importance of feedback in terms of receiving feedback or giving feedback to others? Personally, I find it quite useful because sometimes I get feedback from monks which helps me to improve, and at home, my family members also give me feedback. What is Ajahn’s opinion on this?
Ajahn Suchart : Well, giving feedback or advice to people depends on 2 things: First, your advice is a good advice or not a good advice; second, for the persons who receive your advice, whether they’re happy and willing to accept it or not. You have to know these because some people don’t like to be given any advice. If you tell them something, they get angry at you so you shouldn’t advise such people. And if you advise people the wrong thing, it is hurting them more than helping them. So you have to be sure that your advice is good, profitable and beneficial.
You have to prove it yourself first, it is not something you think of. Because what you think of might not be what it should be. You have to prove it by practicing it yourself first then you are certain, you are 100% sure. So when you’re asked to give advice, then you could give the advice. But if you’re not asked, maybe it’s better just to leave people alone because it might create problems, sometimes people might despise you for it. So you have to know these 2 things.
“Dhamma in English, Nov 12, 2019.”
By Ajahn Suchart Abhijāto
《給予建議》
問：在這條修行道路上，接受回饋或給予他人回饋的重要性為何？我個人覺得很有幫助，因為有時我會收到比丘們的回饋，幫助我進步，在家時家人也會給我回饋。阿姜對此有何看法？
阿姜蘇查特：給予回饋或建議給他人取決於兩點：首先，你的建議是好還是不好；其次，接受你建議的人是否樂意接受。
你必須明白這些，因為有些人不喜歡被給予任何建議。
如果你告訴他們某些事，他們會對你生氣，所以不應該給這類人建議。
而且如果你給出錯誤的建議，這對他們的傷害會大於幫助。
所以你必須確定你的建議是好的、有益的。
你必須先自己實踐證明，這不是你想出來的。因為你所想的可能並非應該的樣子。
你必須先自己實踐證明，然後你才能確定，百分之百確信。
所以當你被要求給予建議時，你才能給出建議。
但如果沒有人問你，也許最好別管別人，因為這可能會製造問題，有時人們可能會因此輕視你。
所以你必須知道這兩點。
「英文佛法，2019年11月12日。」
阿姜蘇查特·阿比加托
《Immense kindness can convert a bad person》
One of the first time, 20 years ago, when I told this story it was when I asteaching in prison, in Karnet Prison Farm, just down the road from my ministry. We still go there most Fridays.
When I was teaching that at Karnet Prison Farm one of the prisoners complained and he said, "That is just new age rubbish. It doesn't work in the real world,especially in a prison. Prisons are tough places. If you've got a difficult person you've got to standup for yourself. That's the only language they understand."
Of course, I wasn't having any of that. I said, "I don't believe you." He said,"You don't live in prison." I said, "Monastery we have cells, we have wall around."Actually, they don't have a wall around Karnet but we have a wall around our monastery. Sometimes people, in the early years, they used to drive to Karnet Prison Farm and ask where are the monks. It was very embarrassing. Luckily, there weren't any monks in it.
Anyway, I challenged this guy and said, "In this prison, who is the most difficult person you have to deal with?" The prisoner I challenged was with a number of other prisoners. He said, "The chief officer. The chief officer, my job is to serve him tea and coffee every day. That's my job in prison. I hate that guy. He's always really nasty."
He told me a story which happened a week before. One of the prisoners inKarnet, he had hardly ever had a visit from his family because it's such a hard place to get to.There's no public transport and if you're poor and haven't got a car you have to find a friend who can actually take you all that way. It's a difficult place to get to.
He said this man's wife had managed to get a lift to come and see him, but before you can go and see your relations in prison you have to check in, say your name, go through all the security stuff.
The chief officer had seen this woman checking in and knew that she had come to see this prisoner and decided to be cruel to the prisoner.
On the PA system he said so-and-so, I've got a job for you on the other side of Karnet Prison Farm and sent him to a place where the PA system didn't reach. It's a huge prison farm. He did it on purpose because as soon as his wife had checked in the PA system, he announced, 'prisoner so-and-so, your wife is here, please go to the visitor's area' . But he couldn't hear it from where he had been sent.
The message was repeated two or three times. There was a search to try and find him. They did find him. By the time they found him and he came back visiting hoursare over. Better luck next time. He said, "The chief officer did this on purpose with no reason other than spite and trying to give the prisoners a harder time than they deserved.That's why, in that time in prison, he was called a dog."
I said, "You hate him?" He said, "Yes. Really big time. He's so difficult. He never respects us, never says anything to us. He always puts us down and treats us like dirt." I said, "Great. This is a challenge. You meet him every day serving tea and coffee.Be kind to him. Don't embrace him with your arms, you'll get in trouble that way,but at least you can embrace him with your heart."
I said, "How you can do that is every time you serve him some tea and coffee try and put some love and care in that tea or coffee. Try and make it the most beautiful, delicious cup of coffee you possibly can make. Find out what he likes and be kind. Get lots of love and compassion whenever you serve him tea and coffee."
So all credit to this prisoner, he tried it, for a week. When I came back afterone week, "How is it going?"
He said, "It's a complete waste of time. I'm trying really hard to be kind to this guy , but every time, even if I put lots of effort into making a nice cup of tea and coffee, he completely ignores me as if I don't exist, as if I'm lower than a cockroach.He even says to the cockroach get out of here, but not me."
I told him, "Carry on." It was about, I'm not sure how long, maybe a couple of months, I had to encourage him and force him to do this, before we got what I call the big breakthrough.
One day I actually came to visit and he couldn't wait to tell me this.
He said, he'd made this prison officer a beautiful cup of coffee with cream or whatever he found, just the type he thought the prison officer liked, and managed to find him some biscuits which he noticed the prison officer liked, and he said, "Here you are sir, have this coffee, and I've found some special biscuits which I know you like," and the prison officer said, "Er." He grunted. That was our breakthrough. [laughter]
It was the first time he acknowledged that this prisoner actually lived and existed and breathed. That grunt, I said, "Wow, this is exciting!" That is the crack in the dam wall.
I was right. It was only about two or three weeks later the prisoner managed to find a special cup of tea, a sandwich or whatever, handed it to this prison officer,the chief officer, who was a dog, and the chief officer turned around and said, "Thankyou."
All the other prisoners were telling me this and they were all looking at me and they said,
"You don't realize just how the prison grapevine works. That has gone to every prison in the state." That this chief officer could say thank you to a prisoner was unbelievable.
I won the challenge. I knew I'd win eventually. Even such a dog you can change into a cuddly little puppy with lots and lots and lots of kindness.
You can turn difficult people around, but it just takes a lot and lot of patience, a lot of kindness. Some of you will not be able to do that. It's too much for you. You have to know your limitations. But it does work if you really push at it. The most difficult people can become the best of your friends. Sometimes it's a challenge which is worth
facing in life. You have people in the office. Give them kindness.
When they give unkindness back to you and difficulty to you, know your limitations.
If you have to run away, fine. If you have to, talk to them and point out what it feels like. What I talked about this afternoon in a conference is also what I talked about here, the old sandwich technique.
If you do have to tell a person you're being difficult to me, I have my own space that I need to protect, you don't go blurting out the negative stuff straight away.
That will never work.
Whenever you are talking to someone and want to bring up a difficult problem, in other words to criticize them, to tell them they're making a problem for you,sandwich technique.
Two or three pieces of praise, first of all. You're a really nice person, you're so diligent, you're so well dressed or whatever, somethingwhich praises them, and then you tell them.
Say you want to criticize me. You say, "Ajahn Brahm, you're such a nice monk, coming all the time, giving these talks, and they're very inspiring. When you say things like that I open up to you. You lighten me. I'm listening to you." Then you say, "But your jokes are sometimes a bit over the top, but I know that you do look after the monasteries and look after the Buddhist society." You praise afterwards.
If you actually sandwich your criticism between heaps and heaps of praise,people actually listen to it. If you are dealing with a difficult person and you really need to tell them, they really need to listen to you to know exactly what they're doing and the problems they're causing, please praise them first of all. Get on their right side. Then they know they're not being attacked.
Push this back at you. Isn't that what you need when you're being told off because you are difficult people, as well? Sometimes aren't you? It's always somebody else. Sometimes we create difficulties for others. If I was going to tell you off, this is how I would do it. I'd praise you,
first of all, butter you up, make you know that I appreciate and value andcare for you.
If you just give criticism straight away ;what we feel if we are that person will be--why are they my enemy?
Why are they just saying this to me? Don't they realize how hard I work andthe difficulties and the problems I have to face? When you get criticism straight away you just get defensive,
you justify yourself, and you don't listen to the other person. You don't take it on-board.
By getting that acceptance, the very fact that you're accepted, you're appreciated, you're valued means you're opening up.
Then you put the criticism in and you butter over
afterwards. I really like you, you're really valued, thank you for being who you are.
Then people actually can listen. A lot of times people don't realize they're being difficult to you. It's weird, but they think they're being a friend. They think they're being them or they're being funny or they're being whatever. Sometimes we do need feedback to know exactly whatwe're doing and how we come across.
《大善可以轉化惡人》
二十年前，我第一次講這個故事的時候是在監獄裡教書，地點是卡內特監獄農場，就在我的部門附近。我們幾乎每個星期五都會去那裡。
在卡內特監獄農場教書時，有一名囚犯抱怨說：“這只是新時代的垃圾。在現實世界中，尤其是在監獄裡，這是行不通的。監獄是艱難的地方。如果你遇到麻煩人，你必須為自己挺身而出。那是他們唯一懂的語言。”
當然，我不這麼認同。我說：“我不相信你。”他說：“你不住在監獄裡。”我回應道：“我們寺廟就是牢房，四周有牆。”其實，卡內特監獄沒有牆，但我們的寺廟有牆。....
不管怎樣，我挑戰了這個人，問：“在這監獄裡，誰是你必須面對麻煩的人？”我挑戰的囚犯和其他幾個囚犯在一起。他說：“主任。每天我的工作就是給他端茶和咖啡。這是我在監獄裡的工作。我討厭那個家伙。他總是很刻薄。”
他告訴我一個星期前發生的故事。卡內特的一名囚犯幾乎從未見過他的家人，因為那是一個難以到達的地方。那裡沒有公共交通，如果你很窮又沒有車，你就得找個朋友帶你一路過去。這是一個難以到達的地方。
他說這個人的妻子設法搭到車來看他，但在你可以去監獄裡見你的親戚之前，你必須登記，報上你的名字，通過所有安全檢查。
主任看到這位女士登記，知道她來看這名囚犯，於是決定殘酷地對待這位囚犯。
在公共廣播系統上，他說：’某某，我有個工作要你去卡內特監獄農場的另一邊‘，並把他發送到一個公共廣播系統聽不見的地方。這是一個巨大的監獄農場。他是故意這麼做的，因為當他的妻子登記進來時，公共廣播系統宣布：“囚犯某某，你的妻子在這裡，請到訪客區。”但他在被發送的地方聽不見這個消息。
這條消息重複了兩三次。人們試圖尋找他。找到了他時，到訪時間已經結束。他說：’下次再好運一點吧‘。他說：“主任故意這麼做，除了出於惡意，沒有其他原因，想讓囚犯們過得更艱難。這就是為什麼在那段時間他在監獄裡被稱為狗。”
我問：“你討厭他嗎？”
他說：“是的，真是非常討厭。他太難相處了。他從不尊重我們，從不和我們說話。他總是貶低我們，把我們當作垃圾。”
我說：“很好，這是一個挑戰。你每天都要給他端茶和咖啡。對他好。不要用手擁抱他，這樣會惹麻煩，但至少你可以用心去擁抱他。”
我說：“你可以這樣做，每次給他端茶和咖啡時，試著在茶或咖啡裡放一些愛和關懷。努力讓它成為你能做的最美味的咖啡。找出他喜歡什麼，對他好。每次給他端茶和咖啡時，注入很多慈悲。”
這位囚犯值得表揚，他嘗試了這個方法，持續了一週。當我一週後回來時問：“進展怎麼樣？”他說：“這完全是浪費時間。我努力對這個家夥好，但每次，即使我很用心地做了一杯好茶和咖啡，他完全忽視我，彷彿我不存在，彷彿我的地位比蟑螂還要低。他甚至對蟑螂說‘滾開’，卻不對我這樣。”
我告訴他：“繼續。”我不得不鼓勵他並強迫他這麼做，大約兩三個月後，才得到我所謂的重大突破。
有一天我去探望他，他迫不及待地告訴我。
他說，他為這位監獄官員做了一杯美味的咖啡，裡面加了奶油或他找到的其他東西，正是他認為監獄主任喜歡的類型，還設法找到了一些他注意到監獄官員喜歡的餅乾，他說：“這是給您的，先生，請喝這杯咖啡，我還找到了您喜歡的特別餅乾。”
而監獄官員只是“嗯。”他發出了一聲低沉的聲音。那就是我們的突破。[笑聲]
這是他第一次承認這名囚犯其實是活著的，存在的，呼吸的。那聲低吟，我說：“哇，這真令人興奮！”這是堤壩牆上的裂縫。
我沒錯。大約兩三周後，這名囚犯終於找到一杯特別的茶、一個三明治或其他什麼，遞給這位監獄官員，這位被稱為狗的主任，主任轉過身來說：“謝謝。”
所有其他囚犯都告訴我這件事，大家都看著我說：“你不知道監獄的八卦是怎麼運作的。這已經傳到了全州的每一個監獄。”這位主任能對一名囚犯說謝謝，真是不可思議。
我贏了這場挑戰。我知道我最終會贏。即使是這樣的狗，你也可以用巨大的善意把他變成一隻可愛的小狗。
你可以轉化麻煩人，但這需要大量的耐心和善意。有些人可能無法做到這一點，這對你來說可能太多了。你必須知道自己的界限。但如果你真的堅持下去，這是有效的。最困難的人可以成為你最好的朋友。有時這是一個值得面對的挑戰。在辦公室裡，對他們施以善意。
當他們回報你不善的態度和困難時，知道自己的限制。如果你必須逃避，那就走。如果需要，與他們談談，指出你的感受。今天下午在會議上講的內容也是我在這裡講的，老式的三明治技巧。
如果你確實需要告訴某人他對你造成了困難，我需要保護自己的空間，那麼你不要立刻就說出負面的東西。
這樣做是不會有效的。
每當你和某人交談，想提出一個困難的問題，也就是要批評他們，告訴他們他們給你帶來了麻煩，使用三明治技巧。
先給兩三句讚美。你是一個很棒的人，你非常勤奮，你的穿著很好，或者其他什麼，讚美他們，然後再告訴他們。
假設你想批評我。你可以說：“阿姜布拉姆，你真是一位好和尚，經常來這裡，給我們這些啟發性的講座。當你這樣說時，我會對你敞開心扉。你讓我輕鬆，我在聽你說。”然後你可以說：“但你的笑話有時會過火，但我知道你確實在關心寺廟和僧團。”最後再讚美。
如果你真的把批評夾在大量讚美之間，人們實際上會聽進去。如果你正在與一個麻煩人打交道，而你真的需要告訴他們，他們需要聽到你所說的，知道他們在做什麼以及造成的問題，請首先讚美他們。拉攏他們的心。這樣他們就知道自己不是在被攻擊。
這反映到你自己身上。當你因為自己是困難的人而被指責時，這不正是你需要的嗎？有時候我們會給別人造成困難。如果我要告訴你，我會這樣做。我會先讚美你，讓你知道我欣賞、重視和關心你。
如果你立刻就給出批評；如果我們是那個人，感覺會是——為什麼他們是我的敵人？為什麼他們只對我這麼說？難道他們不知道我工作有多辛苦，要面對的困難和問題有多少？當你立刻受到批評時，你只會變得具防備性，為自己辯護，而不會聽取對方的意見。你不會接受他們的話。
通過獲得接受，你被接受、被重視、被欣賞的事實意味著你在敞開心扉。然後你把批評放進去，再加上一些讚美。我真的很喜歡你，你真的很有價值，謝謝你做你自己。
那麼人們就能聽進去。很多時候，人們並不知道自己對你造成了困難。這很奇怪，但他們認為自己是在做朋友。他們認為自己在表現自己，或是搞笑，或是其他什麼。有時我們確實需要反饋來了解我們在做什麼以及我們的表現如何。
---阿姜布拉姆
說話不經思考，就如同向自己噴灑毒藥。
Speaking without thinking is like spraying poison on oneself.
----Luang pu Khao
《讓我們迅速抵達涅槃的話題》
我們平時和人聊天，或者接收到什麼資訊；是很影響我們的心的。
和朋友聊天後，誒--隔了一會兒，會自動想起那個內容。
看facebook IG Threads 看到了些什麼，誒--隔了一會兒，又會自動想起那個內容。
如果沒有學過佛法，還會以為那些念頭是‘我的’呢😂 然後順著自己的思維去做。實則那是洗腦的結果。
所以如果想迅速抵達涅槃，要注意我們和別人的交談話題。佛陀有提到幾個修行人應多談論的十個話題：
1.少欲：自己有的美德和好，不要想給人知道，以獲得別人的尊重。
2.知足：滿足於自己所擁有的，不會飢渴於想要更多
3.獨處：留多些時間給自己提升心靈
4.不交際：少些和人社交，讓心混亂不安，滋生煩惱
5.激發精進：應精進於布施，持戒，禪修等一切善法
6.戒：五戒，十善業，八戒，十戒，比丘戒，比丘尼戒
7.定：如何培育定力，不同的禪定境界
8.慧：如何去除煩惱，無常、 苦、 無我、 不淨的智慧
9.解脫：從不同的煩惱中解脫，談論初果、 二果、 三果、 四果；讓心傾向於解脫
10.解脫智見：從不同的煩惱解脫出來會有什麼樣的快樂和體驗；讓心傾向於解脫 （AN9.3)
如果常常和人談這些，就會被洗腦洗到證悟涅槃😂
"Topic of chats wich Quickly leads to Nibanna"
When we chat with people or receive information, it greatly influences our minds.
After talking with friends, we might automatically recall that content after a while.
When we scroll through Facebook, Instagram, or Threads, we find ourselves thinking about what we saw after some time.
If we haven't studied Buddhism, we might even think those thoughts are 'ours' 😂 and act according to our own thinking.
In reality, this is the result of brainwashing.
So, if we want to quickly reach nibanna, we need to pay attention to the topics we talk with others. The Buddha mentioned several topics that practitioners should often talk about:
Little Desire: When we have virtues and goodness , we do not want others to know, seeking their respect.
Contentment: Be satisfied with what one has, avoiding the thirst for more.
Solitude: Allocate more time for personal spiritual growth.
Limited Socializing: Reduce social interactions that disturb the mind and breed defilements.
Encouraging Diligence: Be diligent in generosity, observing precepts, meditation, and all wholesome practices.
Precepts: The Five Precepts, the Ten Wholesome deeds, the Eight Precepts, the Ten Precepts, the Bhikkhu Precepts, and the Bhikkhuni Precepts.
stillness: How to cultivate stillness and the different states of stillness.
Wisdom: How to eliminate defilements and understand impermanence, suffering, non-self, and impurity of body.
Liberation: Discuss liberation from various defilements, the stages of enlightenment; guiding the heart toward liberation.
Liberating Insight: The happiness and experiences that come from liberation from different defilements; guiding the heart toward liberation (AN9.3).
If we frequently discuss these topics, we will be "brainwashed" into realizing nibanna😂.