單身，戀愛和婚姻 Single, Love and marriage

有時看到，那些暢銷書第一位，許多都是愛情書

唉， 人們都喜歡這些情情塔塔的東西😂

但請不要介意哦：這些真是看壞腦😂

愛情如何產生？ 煩惱！ 煩惱顧名思義就是煩咯、痛苦咯

不是想和他性交、佔有他等等的貪欲， 還有什麼別的？

一給煩惱滋生，心就會開始混亂、沉重和痛苦

除非是古時候那樣父母配婚啦， 不然愛情或多或少都是以煩惱起動的

愛情的過患是什麼？

佛陀說：“愁、悲、苦、憂、絕望是從可愛的東西而生的”

然後說故事：從前在古印度的舍衛城中，有某位女子的丈夫死了，她於是發瘋，到處行走，問人有沒有見過她的丈夫。

也說，從前在舍衛城中某個女子投靠親戚的家時，他們想殺掉她的丈夫，然後把她嫁給她不喜歡的人。

丈夫知道後竟然把那位女子砍成兩半後自殺，為的只是想要死後一對... (MN87)

誰人會和我們說這些真相啊😂

所有人都僅僅走來說甜言蜜語、討好我們

事實上吵架吵到上天花板的情侶多的是，痛不欲生的多的是，為情自殺的也多的是…

所以大家覺得佛陀和大師父們會否鼓勵我們談戀愛？😂

唉， 但一會兒說事實， 沒人敢見他們了😂

既然那麼愛異性；沒辦法， 佛陀唯有教導夫妻相處之道等等

愛情由自私而生，但如果想要有美好的愛情生活， 又要無私

所以其實是有些前後矛盾的😂

如果付出多過索取， 婚姻就會更幸福

如果索取多過付出， 婚姻就會更痛苦

如果慈悲多過執著， 婚姻就會更幸福

如果執著多過慈悲， 婚姻就會更痛苦

如果完全不要苦，就不要有任何煩惱～😂

Sometimes we can notice that many bestsellers are love-related books. 

Sigh, people really like these romantic things. 😂

But please don't mind: this really messes with the mind. 😂

How does love arise? Defilements! Defilements, as the name suggests, means annoyance and pain. 

If not  about wanting to have sex with someone or possess them; what else is there? 

Once defilements arise, the mind becomes chaotic, heavy, and painful.

Unless it's like in ancient times when parents arranged marriages, love more or less starts with defilements.

What are the drawbacks of love? 

The Buddha said: "Sorrow, sadness, suffering, worry, and despair arise from things we find lovable."

Then the buddha tells a story: Once in the city of Sāvatthī in ancient India, there was a woman whose husband died. She went mad, wandering around asking if anyone had seen her husband.

It’s also said that in Sāvatthī, when a woman went to stay with relatives, they wanted to kill her husband and marry her off to someone she didn’t like. 

When the husband found out, he chopped her in half and committed suicide, just wanting to die together... (MN87)

Who will tell us all these truths? 😂 

Everyone just comes to sweet-talk us and please us. 

In reality, there are many couples fighting to the ceiling, many in unbearable pain, and many who commit suicide for love...

So do you think the Buddha and the great monks would encourage us to fall in love? 😂

Sigh, but when they tell the truth, no one dares to see them. 😂

Since we love the opposite sex so much, there’s nothing can be done; the Buddha can only teach the way for couples to get along well, etc.

Love arises from selfishness, but to have a beautiful love life, one must be selfless. 

So it’s a bit contradictory. 😂

If giving is more than taking, marriage will be happier. 

If taking is more than giving, marriage will be more painful.

If compassion is greater than attachment, marriage will be happier. 

If attachment is greater than compassion, marriage will be more painful.

If we want to avoid suffering completely, then avoid all defilements. ~ 😂

陽光型男很有魅力，對嗎？😂 

如果誰想當陽光型男，就要去除煩惱

好像Por Khao Wanchart yimme, 就說 Ajahn Golf '充滿著光輝明亮‘

為什麼明亮？ 因為沒有煩惱！

佛陀曾說：這個心是極光淨的，但它被外來的諸雜染沾染（AN1.49）--這是對於有煩惱的人而說的

佛陀在另一個場合則說：這個心是極光淨的，它從外來的諸隨雜染脫離(AN1.50)--這是對於解脫煩惱的人而說的

如果大家遇過Ajahn Golf ，都會覺得他很陽光的，對嗎？這點相信大家的感覺都一致

而怎樣可以型？ 也是去除煩惱，以戒律限制煩惱。

人人都殺生、 偷盜、 邪淫、 妄語、 飲酒吸毒、 分化、 尖酸刻薄、 說廢話、 覬覦屬於別人的東西、妒忌怨恨、不信因果

但我們不殺生、 不偷盜、不邪淫、 不妄語、 不飲酒吸毒、 不分化、 不尖酸刻薄、 不說廢話、 不覬覦屬於別人的東西、不妒忌怨恨、相信因果

這還不型？

所以如果誰想做陽光型男，就要去除煩惱了～

Sunny and stylish guys are very charming, right? 😂
If someone wants to be a sunny guy, they need to eliminate defilements.

Por Khao Wanchart Yimme once said that Ajahn Golf is 'full of brightness and lustre.'
Why is he bright? Because he has  no defilements!

The Buddha once said: 'This mind is pure and clear, but it is contaminated by external impurities' (AN1.49)—this is said for those with defilements.

On another occasion, the Buddha said: 'This mind is pure and clear; it is freed from external impurities' (AN1.50)—this is said for those liberated from defilements.

If anyone has met Ajahn Golf, they would find him very sunny, right? It is believe that everyone feels the same.

And how can one be stylish? By eliminating defilements, limiting them through precepts.

Everyone kills, steals, engages in sexual misconduct, lies, drinks, takes drugs, sow discord , say harsh words, talks nonsense, covets what belongs to others, feels jealousy and hatred, and does not believe in kamma.

But we do not kill, do not steal, do not engage in sexual misconduct, do not lie, do not drink or take drugs, do not sow discord, do not say harshly, do not talk nonsense, do not covet what belongs to others, do not feel jealousy or hatred, and believe in kamma.

Isn't that stylish?

So if anyone wants to be a sunny stylish guy, they need to eliminate defilements!

見過一個女人，真的很可憐

人到中年，覺得從現存婚姻中找不到快樂

於是雖然已經有兩個兒女，但仍毅然和丈夫離婚

受到丈夫和兒子的怨恨

離婚後，她內心依然很痛苦，不想孤獨終老

最後給她找到一個她認為好的男人

再結婚

然後...不確定，但好像再分開了

整段日子充斥著痛苦，痛苦多過快樂

為什麼會這樣？ 因為內心的渴愛

就如佛陀所說，渴愛就是痛苦的原因

一旦內心不斷掙扎掙扎，就會對什麼都不滿意，不斷想要新的東西去尋找快樂

如果學習過佛法，就會知道，

僅僅只需把渴愛捨去，放下一切

痛苦就立即熄滅了，快樂和幸福感就立即顯現了

就如佛陀所說，渴愛的止息就是痛苦的止息

很少人明白這樣的道理，真的很可憐....

There was once a woman who was truly pitiful. 

In her middle age, she felt she couldn't find happiness in her existing marriage. 

So, despite having two children, she resolutely divorced her husband, 

facing resentment from both him and her sons.

After the divorce, she was still in great pain, not wanting to live alone for the rest of her life. 

Eventually, she found a man whom she thought was good and remarried.

Then... not sure, but it seems they separated again.

Her life was filled with suffering, more pain than joy. 

Why is this so? Because of her inner craving 

As the Buddha said, craving is the cause of suffering. 

Once the heart is in constant struggle, it becomes dissatisfied with everything, always seeking new things to find happiness.

If one has learned the Dharma, they would know that simply letting go of craving and relinquishing would extinguish pain immediately, allowing happiness and a sense of fulfillment to arise.

As the Buddha said, the cessation of craving is the cessation of suffering.

Very few people understand this truth; it’s truly pitiable....

如果我們以究竟法來拆解愛情

愛情就立即崩壞了😂

不敢說愛情中沒有慈悲喜捨

但肯定有以下這些心所：

癡：誤以為有一個自我、 你、他、 人、 眾生存在；誤以為不干淨的身體是乾淨的；誤以為不斷變異的對象是快樂的現象；看不清對方是無常的

貪：精蟲上腦、 性慾、 情慾

慢：得到她，是為了想自己比人好。覺得談戀愛的人比單身狗好。覺得把他追回來會讓自己很有面子

吝嗇：不能忍受她和其他男人聊天

妒忌：怨恨和她過於親密的男人

嗔：意見不合時吵架，對方不讓自己滿意時就生氣

散亂：不斷想著他，以致於不能專心工作

無慚：對於以上煩惱，絲毫不感到羞恥

無愧：對於有以上煩惱，絲毫不害怕被智者所譴責，也絲毫不害怕這些煩惱為自己帶來的惡業和墮落惡道的風險

對不起老大們，說得太過直接，讓愛情立即崩壞😂

If we analyze love in terms of ultimate truth, it would immediately collapse. 😂

We can't say that there is no loving kindness, compassion, empathetic joy, equanimity in love, but there are definitely the following mental factors:

Delusion: Misunderstanding that there is a self, you, him, people, and beings existing; mistakenly believing that an impure body is pure; thinking that the phenomena of an ever-changing partner is happiness; failing to see that the other person is impermanent.

Greed: Being driven by lust, sexual desire, and emotional attachment.

Pride: Wanting to have her to feel superior; believing that those in relationships are better than single people; thinking that winning her  would boost one's self-esteem.

Stinginess: Being unable to tolerate her chatting with other men.

Jealousy: Resentment towards men who are too close to her.

Anger: Arguing when there are disagreements, getting angry when she does not satisfy our desires.

restlessness: Constantly thinking about her , making it difficult to focus on work.

Shamelessness: Feeling no shame about these defilements.

no fear of unwholesomeness: Having these defilements without fear of being criticized by the wise, and having no fear of the bad karma and risks of falling into a bad state that these defilements may bring.

Sorry for being so direct, causing love to instantly collapse. 😂

愛情的甜蜜很多時候是被誇大了，以致背離了現實

大家去IG 看，只會看到情侶之間的放閃照

他們一起去玩的影片

其實，如果去約會只是為了拍照和錄影，然後放上去IG 炫耀，能夠幸福到去哪？😂

在IG ，大家只會看到好的一面

壞的一面人們都不敢放出來

如果好壞都放上去，大家會看到吵架吵到天花板都塌下來的影片、 冷戰的對話等等😂

也會看到分手的訊息、 出軌的證據....

但哪一個人會炫耀自己不幸的一面？😂 只會炫耀自己幸福的一面！

IG 的情侶照，只會悄悄地消失，但不會打鑼大鼓地消失

結果所有人都相信了童話故事，一窩蜂地去找男人女人

後來才發現自己被騙了😂 

誰能夠如實地知道和看見，

就會厭倦它

厭倦它就會對它沒有貪求

然後就解脫了（AN11.1)😂

佛教不是悲觀，而是現實得不能再現實😂 如實得不能再如實😂

The sweetness of love is always exaggerated, leading to a departure from reality.

If we go on Instagram, we'll only see couples posting their affectionate photos and videos of their outings together.

In reality, if dating is just for taking pictures and recording videos to show off on Instagram, how happy can one really be? 😂

On Instagram, people only showcase the good side. The bad side is rarely shared.

If both the good and the bad were posted, we would see videos of arguments that seem to shake the ceiling, conversations during cold wars, etc. 😂 We would also see breakup messages and evidence of infidelity...

But who would brag about their unhappy side? 😂 They only showcase their happy moments! Couples' photos on Instagram quietly disappear but do not make a loud exit.

As a result, everyone believes in fairy tales and rushes to find a partner, only to later realize they have been deceived. 😂

Those who can know and see and the truth will eventually grow weary of it. 

When we grow weary, we will no longer crave it, 

and then we will find liberation (AN11.1). 😂

Buddhism is not pessimistic; it is realistically realistic. 😂

It is as true as it can be. 😂

如果我們把情慾和性慾拿走

然後來審視世間的人，就會發現，根本沒有人適合作為自己的伴侶😂 

如果硬要選，那就要選一個聖人了

聖人是怎樣的？Luang ta siri 說他們有五戒十善業

五戒就是 1. 不殺生 2.不偷盜 3.不邪淫 4.不說謊 5.不飲酒吸毒

十善業是 ： 1. 不殺生 2.不偷盜 3.不邪淫 4.不說謊 5.不挑撥離間 6.不說不合時、 不如法、 不如律、 沒有意義、 沒有節制的廢話 7.不說粗惡的話來罵人 8.不貪屬於別人的東西 9.不妒忌、 不吝嗇、 不怨恨、 不想傷害別人 10.相信因果

我們細心想想，如果缺乏以上任何一樣，都讓人缺乏安全感，都會為自己帶來困擾

所謂伴侶伴侶，其實就是陪伴自己的人。 這個人必須要是好相處的，不然很快就不是伴侶了。

如果說到誰是最好相處的人，其實那就是阿羅漢。 

他們不會貪婪、 不會生氣、 不會痴迷。 完全理智、 完全慈悲

誰都想和他們待在一起

但阿羅漢又怎會和我們談戀愛和結婚呢？😂

所以如果不想痛苦，就不要心思思去找男人和女人了。

肯定會為自己帶來傷害的，只是多與少的分別而已😂

就算他們不傷害我們，讓我們完全滿意，我們自己的渴愛本身就會為自己帶來痛苦。

伴侶帶來的快樂必然滲雜著痛苦，但佛法所帶來的快樂不會

If we remove our attachment and sexual desire;  then examine people in the world, 

we will find that there is essentially no one suitable to be our partner. 😂

If we must choose, it would have to choose a saint.

What is a saint like? Luang Ta Siri says they follow the Five Precepts and the Ten Good Deeds.

The Five Precepts are:

1.No killing 2.no stealing 3.No sexual misconduct 4.No lying 5.No intoxicants

The Ten Good Deeds are:

1.No killing 2.No stealing 3.No sexual misconduct 4.No lying 5.No sowing discord 6.No speaking meaningless, inappropriate, or unrestrained words 7.No harsh speech to insult others  8.No coveting what belongs to others 9.No jealousy, stinginess, resentment, or desire to harm others 10. Belief in kamma

If we think carefully, lacking any of these qualities will certainly leads to insecurity and birng troubles for ourselves.

The so-called partner is actually someone who accompanies us. 

This person must be easy to get along with; otherwise, they quickly cease to be a partner.

If we talk about who is the easiest person to get along with, it is actually an Arahant.

They are not greedy, angry, or obsessed. They are completely rational and completely compassionate. Everyone wants to be around them.

But how could Arahants engage in romantic relationships or marriage with us? 😂

So, if we don’t want to suffer, don’t try to seek out men and women.

It will definitely lead to harm for ourselves; it’s just a matter of more or less. 😂

Even if they don’t harm us and satisfy us completely, our own craving will always bring us suffering.

The happiness that a partner brings is inevitably mixed with pain, but the happiness brought by the Dharma is not.

如果我們有伴侶，千萬不要讓自己作為他們壓力的來源

他們之所以和我們在一起，是因為喜歡我們帶給他們的快樂，我們帶給他們的感官快樂：我們的姣好樣貌、 甜美讚美的聲音、 好嗅的氣味、 好嚐的味道、 好摸的觸感

他們是喜歡快樂，而不是我們😂 

如果我們能帶給他們快樂，就能綁住他們的心

如果不能，他們的心就隨風飄蕩，飄到另一個女人/男人那裡了😂 

If we have a partner, we must ensure that we are not a source of stress for them. 

They are with us because they enjoy the happiness we bring them—the sensory pleasures: our good looks, sweet voices, pleasant scents, delightful tastes, and enjoyable touches.

They like happiness, not us. 😂
 

If we can bring them happiness, we can win their hearts.
 

If we cannot, their hearts will drift away, possibly to another woman/man. 😂

童話是童話，現實是現實

認清現實，即認清痛苦，就不想結婚了😂

婚後生活之苦，原因是什麼？內心的渴愛

如果想沒有婚後生活之苦該怎麼辦？斷除渴愛。

沒有渴愛，又怎會想結婚？😂

如果已經結婚了，但不想苦，那該怎麼辦？ 也是斷除渴愛😂

沒有渴愛，就不會吵架和發牢騷了😂

image cred. to who owns it

Fairy tales are fairy tales, and reality is reality.

Recognizing reality, which means recognizing suffering, makes one not wanting to get married. 😂

What causes the suffering of married life? our inner craving.

What should one do to avoid the suffering of married life? Cut off craving.
Without craving, why would one still want to get married? 😂

If we are already married but don’t want to suffer, what should we do? Also cut off craving. 😂
Without craving, there won't be arguments or complaints. 😂

Image credit: to whom it belongs

在戀愛初期，男女之間太多偽裝了

我們都喜歡把自己最好的一面呈現給對方看，對嗎？

有時連放屁都不敢放，深怕會影響了自己的形象

所有的偽裝只是為了能夠吸引到對方，贏得對方的芳心。

隆波帕默也曾形容，在追求彼此時，男女之間都喜歡騙來騙去😂 

偽裝怎可以長久持續下去？終有一日會暴露的

這也解釋了為什麼現今社會的離婚率那麼高

實際上，這些偽裝是心靈的負擔和壓力來的，會造成內心的緊繃和不舒服

長此下去必然會引發精神上的疾病的

就如佛陀所說：真實能贏得稱譽 （《經集．第1 品．第10 經》《阿喇瓦咖經》 ）

假如我們不偽裝，努力改善自己的劣根性，以真實的良善示人，甚至會得到伴侶的尊重的

In the early stages of a relationship, there is often too much pretense between boys and girls.

We all like to present our best selves to each other, right?
Sometimes, we don’t even dare to fart for fear of destroying our image.

All this pretense is just to attract the other person and win their heart.
Lung Por Pramote has also described how, during the pursuit, both men and women enjoy deceiving each other. 😂

How can pretense last long? Eventually, it will be exposed.
This also explains why the divorce rate is so high in today’s society.

In reality, this pretense is a burden and a source of pressure for the mind, leading to inner tension and discomfort.
If it continues, it will inevitably lead to mental health issues.

As the Buddha said: "Truthfulness earns respect" (from the "Sutta Collection, ''Āḷavakasutta Sutta")

If we stop pretending, work on improving our flaws, and show genuine goodness, we will even gain our partner’s respect.

有一個故事是這樣的。

曾經有一個小女孩，她非常喜歡吃榴蓮的

她的父母為了滿足她，就天天都給她吃榴蓮。每當她想吃時，父母就給她吃

過了好像一個月多些，她一見到榴蓮已經要作嘔了

過了幾十年後，她仍然對榴蓮有恐懼.....

慾望是很狡猾的，不斷指揮我們要這樣要那樣

我們以為得到了後會快樂？

結了婚的人，想想我們談了多少次戀愛吧。

每次我們都把那位女孩子或男孩子當作是宇宙中最重要的人

當把他/她追到手後

日對夜對，終究分手收場了。場場戀愛也是這樣

到現在結婚了，有小孩了；真的如先前想像般幸福嗎？

別傻了，世間就是這樣

我們得到了這樣夢寐以求的東西後，過了一會兒又厭倦，想要其他東西了

得到了那樣東西後，又厭倦了；又想要其他東西了

唯一讓人永不厭倦的快樂，是禪定所帶來的快樂，涅槃所帶來的快樂

Luang ta siri 形容涅槃為永恆的快樂

There is a story like this:

There was once a little girl who loved to eat durian. 

To satisfy her, her parents gave her durian every day. 

Whenever she wanted it, they would provide it. 

After about a month, just the sight of durian made her nauseous. 

Even decades later, she still had a fear for durian.

Desire is very cunning, constantly urging us to want this and that. 

We think that once we obtain what we desire, we will be happy.

For those who are married, think about how many times we've been in love. 

Each time, we treated that boy or girl as the most important person in the universe. 

Yet, after winning their affection, day after day, we eventually broke up. 

All our relationships ended this way. 

Now that we are married with children, are we truly as happy as we once imagined?

Don’t be foolish; this is how the world works. 

After obtaining something we long for, we quickly grow bored and want something else.

Once we get that new thing, we become tired of it too, and seek yet another desired objects.

The only joy that never grows tiresome is the happiness that comes from stillness and the bliss of nibanna. 

Luang Ta Siri describes nibanna as highest eternal happiness.

Generally speaking, marriage is simply a matter of mutual needs. 😂

Women usually seek money, while men typically desire young bodies for sex.

Once a man has no money, the marriage falls apart.

Once a woman is no longer sexy or beautiful, the marriage also crumbles.

Oh, the conditioned phenomena are truly frightening.

Do we still yearn for love?

If we are in a romantic relationship, it's best to elevate selfish love to selfless love:

loving kindness- Wishing for the other’s happiness.

compassion- Wishing for the other to be free from suffering.

Joy - Being happy for the other’s achievements and joy.

Equanimity - Not being affected by whether the other is good or bad to oneself. If the other leaves, not feeling emotional. Even if we want to help them but can't, we won't be sad. Maintaining inner peace and letting go.

This way, the relationship will be more stable and long-lasting...

一般的婚姻根本就是個取所需😂

女人通常要錢，男人通常要年輕的肉體去性交

一旦男人沒錢，婚姻就破裂

一旦女人不再性感美麗，婚姻就破裂

噢～條件組合的東西真是可怕。大家還嚮往愛情嗎？

如果我們在談戀愛，最好把自私的愛情昇華為無私的愛：

1.慈-希望對方快樂

2.悲-希望對方離苦

3.喜-為對方的成就和快樂感到高興

4.捨-對方對自己是好是壞，都不起情緒。對方離開自己，也不起情緒。就算我們想幫對方，但幫不到，也不會難過。內心保持平靜中捨

那麼這段關係就會比較穩定和長久.... 

‘綠帽不怕戴’，下一句是什麼？ 對，‘最重要脫得快’

戴綠帽通常用於描述夫妻關係中，女方與丈夫以外的男人發生性關係

這其實是很常見的

有一次，佛陀使少量的塵土沾在指甲尖後，問比丘們：

你們怎麼想它，哪個是比較多的呢：這被我沾在指甲尖的微少塵土，或這大地？

比丘答後者，沾在指甲尖的微少塵土比這大地小得不可比較

佛陀說，同樣地，持不邪淫戒的眾生較少，不持的較多（SN56.73）

所以我們能夠預期，整個世界有許多許多人其實一直在派綠帽，有許多人也在戴綠帽，但自己不知道。

在那些娛樂新聞常常看見啦，誰和誰出軌，誰誰誰偷食；來來去去都是這些，過去、 現在、 未來都一樣是這些新聞。

如果沒有持戒--其實即是世間大部份人--一見到誰英俊，雖然已經有伴侶了，但仍會撲過去。一見到誰漂亮性感，雖然已經有伴侶了，仍會撲過去。 

大家去一些明星出軌的post 就看到了，有些留言都是這樣說的：‘沒辦法啦！如果是我，有那麼英俊的男生，我也會出軌...' 

所以男女的戀愛關係是極度不穩定的。

如果要穩定些，就要找虔誠持戒的佛教徒作為伴侶。

如果我們是信耶穌的，找些虔誠嚴持十誡的基督徒、 天主教徒作為伴侶也會較為安全。

但這些依然是不穩定的。聽過有牧師居然有小三，讓對方懷孕後叫她墮胎。

佛教徒出軌也有。

是人心墮落的問題，是心靈水平低下的問題。

如果被綠了該怎麼辦？ 當然最重要是脫得快啦！

脫得快是什麼意思？

一般人假如知道伴侶出軌，都會感到很羞恥、 妒忌、 生氣、 悲傷。這就被稱為留著綠帽了

如果我們知道伴侶出軌後，雖然心痛，但立即運用佛法來思維’其實她根本就不是我的，如果她真的是屬於我的話，我就能夠控制她。所以她並不是我的。’ 如此放下對她的執著。

她紅杏出牆是她的事，她犯了邪淫；而我們保持清淨的戒。我們應該感到自豪。

雖然她出軌，但我們選擇原諒。

既然世間的一切都不是我們的，我們自然也不會過於羞恥、 妒忌、 生氣和悲傷。情緒很快就能平復。

這就稱為‘綠帽不怕戴，最重要脫得快’了～

至於繼不繼續戀愛關係，就隨各人自己選擇。

最重要是不起貪嗔癡、 不起惡意、 不報復。這就是佛法的原則。

如果我們在戀愛關係中，不要想那麼多了。因為最重要是開心，不斷擔憂都沒有什麼用。所以寧願信任好過懷疑。

如果對方要出軌，我們怎樣阻止也阻止不了，就算24小時監察也阻止不了，對嗎？

"‘Wearing a green hat isn’t scary,’ the next line is, ‘the most important thing is to take it off quickly.’

Wearing a green hat , in Chinese, usually describes a situation where a wife has sexual relations with someone other than her husband. This is quite common.

Once, the Buddha touched a small amount of dust to his fingernail and asked the monks:
‘What do you think is more: this tiny bit of dust on my fingernail, or the earth?’
The monks replied, ‘The latter; the dust on your fingernail is negligible compared to the earth.’
The Buddha said, similarly, those who uphold the precept of not engaging in sexual misconduct are few, while those who do not are many (SN56.73).

So we can expect that many people in the world are actually wearing green hats, and many are unaware of it.
Entertainment news often features stories about who is cheating on whom; these stories have been consistent in the past, present, and future.

Without upholding precepts—this is true for most people—when they see someone handsome, even if they already have a partner, they might still go after them. When they see someone beautiful and sexy, even if they have a partner, they will go after them.
Comments on posts about celebrity affairs often say things like: ‘I can’t help it! If I had such a handsome guy, I would cheat too...’

Thus, romantic relationships are extremely unstable.
To achieve some stability, one should seek a devoted, precept-upholding Buddhist as a partner.
If we are Christians, finding a devout believer who strictly follows the Ten Commandments as a partner would also be safer.
However, it is still unstable. 

It is heard cases in which pastors having affairs, causing unwanted pregnancies and urging abortions. 

Some buddhists also cheat.
It’s a matter of the low quality of human mind.

What should one do if they are cheated on? Of course, the most important thing is to take it off quickly!

What does ‘take it off ’ mean?
When someone learns of their partner’s infidelity, they often feel shame, jealousy, anger, and sadness. This is what is referred to as ‘keeping the green hat.’

If we find out our partner has cheated, even though it hurts, we should immediately apply Buddhist teachings to think: ‘She isn’t really mine. If she truly belonged to me, I could control her. Therefore, she is not mine.’ This helps us let go of our attachment to her.

Her infidelity is her issue; she has committed sexual misconduct, while we maintain our purity of precepts. We should feel proud.

Although she cheated, we choose to forgive.
Since nothing in this world truly belongs to us, we naturally won’t feel excessive shame, jealousy, anger, or sadness. Our emotions can stabilize quickly.
This is what is meant by ‘wearing a green hat isn’t scary; the most important thing is to take it off quickly.’

As for whether to continue the romantic relationship, that is up to individual choice.
The most important thing is to avoid greed, anger, and ignorance, to not harbor malice or seek revenge. This is the principle of Buddhism.

If we are in a romantic relationship, we shouldn’t overthink it. The most important thing is to be happy; constant worry is unproductive. So it’s better to trust than to doubt.
If the other party wants to cheat, there’s no way to stop them, even with 24/7 surveillance, right?

Image credit: 搜狐号@大嘴說史

有時不見一個人一段時間，再見他/她的時候，會發現他/她的心靈水平下降了

為什麼會這樣？ 哦，原來談戀愛了😂

談戀愛的確很容易會讓人心靈水平下降

因為滋生錯見，認為伴侶是‘我的’ 、‘我的’

然後其他所有東西都變成‘我的’，變到越來越自私

沒有學過佛法的人多數都中招😂

事實上哪有‘我的‘這回事？ 我們能控制別人的思想嗎？

沒有東西是我們的

Sometimes when we don’t see someone for a while, and then we meet them again, we might notice that their spiritual level has declined.

Why is that? Oh, it turns out they’ve fallen in love! 😂

Falling in love can indeed easily cause one’s spiritual level to drop. This is because it breeds wrong views, leading to the belief that a partner is “mine” and “mine.” Then everything else turns into “mine,” making a person increasingly selfish.

Most people who haven’t studied Buddhist teachings fall into this trap. 😂

In reality, is there really such a thing as “mine”? 

Can we control other people's thoughts? 

Nothing truly belongs to us.

箍煲，即嘗試挽回破裂的關係，通常就沒有什麼用。

對方提出要分手，通常已經醞釀了很久

突然他走來然後和我們說：‘你的眼睛真好看😍’  大家有什麼感受？😂

這根本就是怪叔叔

平時沒有用到四攝法去維繫關係，帶給她快樂：

1.布施饋贈

2.說好聽親切的說話

3.在對方需要的時候提供建議，幫助對方

4.和對方平等共處，同甘共苦，尊重彼此

也沒有去除自己讓她不滿意的缺點

到關係已經名存實亡時去箍煲有什麼用？

不過都有機會會成功的，可以試試😂....

同樣地，我們沒有學習過佛法

當遇到不如意的事情時我們一定會被劇烈的痛苦所佔據的

這時到處尋求慰藉有什麼用？

渴愛就是痛苦的原因

渴愛熄滅痛苦就熄滅

而要熄滅渴愛就要修習八聖道

image cred. to 香港01

Trying to salvage a broken relationship usually doesn’t work. When one party proposes breaking up, it has often been brewing for a long time.

Suddenly, they come to us and say, "Your eyes are really beautiful." 😍 

How does everyone feel about that? 😂 

It’s just like a creepy uncle.

If we haven't used the Four Ways of Cohesion to maintain the relationship and bring her happiness:

1. Generosity and giving

2. Speaking kind and pleasant words

3. Offering advice and help when she needs it

4. getting along equally, sharing joys and sorrows, and respecting each other

And if we haven’t addressed our own flaws that make her unhappy, what’s the use of trying to salvage the relationship when it's already essentially over? 

But it might still have a chance of success, still worth a try. 😂

Similarly, if we haven’t learned the Dharma, when faced with unpleasant situations, we will undoubtedly be overwhelmed by intense suffering. 

What good does it do to seek comfort everywhere at that time?

Craving is the root of suffering. 

When craving extinguishes, suffering extinguishes. 

To extinguish craving, one must practice the Noble Eightfold Path.

Image credit: 香港01

這就是婚姻。

當我們要和女同事女性朋友吃飯的時候，老婆：嘿，這是誰人啊！介紹一下她！ 不行，我覺得你們太親密了！不給去！一會兒我的老公被人搶走怎麼辦？

當我們要去禪修營的時候，老婆： 嘿，禪修營重要過我嗎？你娶我回來就是為了給我獨自一人嗎？

當我們忙工作，老婆：嘿，你一點都不關心我，工作比我還重要嗎？

老婆：嘿！你現在去哪裡啊！報告一下！

老婆：嘿，我還是不放心。來！我給你電話裝一裝定位系統。如果你敢關掉，我就當你出軌了！離婚！

老婆：你用錢真的不行！你不懂得用錢！來，錢交給老娘處理。全部上繳！

老婆：你這個男人真的沒出息，這樣不行那樣又不行....

聽過有大師父聽到信徒說他有女朋友的時候，大師父開玩笑說：'噢，歡迎來到地獄 （笑）'

我們看不到是地獄，因為被性慾情慾蒙蔽了....

其實婚姻的概念和養鳥差不多

我們見到這隻鳥可愛， 就把他關到籠中

就像我們看到一個異性好， 我們就想把他納為己有，以婚姻囚禁他

我們每天都要照顧小鳥的需求

就如我們賺錢回來養我們的伴侶、每天為他們帶來情緒價值

如果小鳥對失去自由而感到不快樂，或者我們照顧他照顧得不好， 他就會趁機飛走

同樣地， 婚姻極之不穩定。 如果任何一方感到不快樂， 或者我們照顧他們照顧得不好， 伴侶就會跟我們分手離婚

鳥籠的圈養可能會為小鳥帶來一點點快樂， 但事實上卻讓他失去自由

同樣地， 婚姻能夠為人們帶來一點點快樂， 但事實上卻讓人失去自由

The concept of marriage is actually similar to keeping a bird.

We see a bird and  find it cute , then we put it in a cage.

Similarly, when we see someone attractive, we want to possess them, essentially  imprisoning them through marriage.

Every day, we need to cater to the bird's needs, just as we earn money to support our partners and provide them with emotional value.

If the bird feels unhappy about losing its freedom, or if we fail to take care of it properly, it will take the chance to fly away. Likewise, marriage is extremely unstable. If either party feels unhappy or if we do not care for them well, the partner may choose to break up or divorce us.

Keeping a bird in a cage may bring it a little happiness, but in reality, it loses its freedom. Similarly, marriage can bring people a bit of happiness, but it  leads to a loss of freedom.

In Hong Kong, young people often talk about "going out of pool," which refers to leaving singlehood and entering a relationship. It is said to be one of the five things to do  in university.

As a result, many people do it just to follow the trend—if others are dating, they want to date too. Alas! This is really foolish!

The so-called "going out of pool" is actually leaving the safe pool of being single. Once a fish jumps out of the pond, the cat nearby immediately tries to catch it for a meal. Even without the cat, the fish will gradually dry out in the sun.

This metaphor suggests that when a person leaves the "pool" of being single, they will inevitably face painful struggles, such as losing freedom, arguments, conflicts, worries, inner confusion, pressure, additional burdens, the inability to control their partner, sadness, anger, jealousy, and stinginess

The Buddha said that for everything we love, once it changes, the resulting sorrow, grief, pain, worry, and despair are its consequences (AN 5.30).

In Buddhism, no one prohibits laypeople from dating; even lay saints may enter relationships. However, if we cannot see the downsides—if we fail to recognize impermanence, suffering, and non-self—we will breed many defilements and sufferings.

在香港， 年輕人常談 “出 pool "“出 pool "

什麼叫“出 pool " 呢？ 哦， 原來那是出離單身之 pool、談戀愛的意思

據說這是大學五件事之一

於是有許多人只是為了跟風、人談我又談

唉! 這真是愚昧啊!

所謂的出 Pool , 實際上是出離安全之 pool 。

魚兒一旦跳出池塘， 在旁待著的貓兒立即抓他來吃

就算沒有貓兒， 魚兒也會因此而逐漸被曬幹

這就比喻為,當一個人出離單身之 Pool , 必然會遭到痛苦的擊打

例如失去自由、吵架、矛盾、擔憂、心裡的混亂、心裡的壓力、多了個負擔、無法控制伴侶之苦、傷心、憤怒、妒忌、吝嗇

佛陀說， 對於所有讓人喜愛的東西， 一旦他產生變化，生起愁、悲、苦、憂、絕望就是它的結果(AN5.30)

在佛教裡，沒有人禁止在家人談戀愛， 就算是在家聖者都可能會談戀愛

但假如我們看不見過患, 看不見無常、苦、無我

就會滋生許多的煩惱與痛苦

Any craving and attachment are dangerous.

For example, if we have someone we are fond of and we constantly engage them in conversation, but one day we discover that they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend .

It feels like our heart is shattered immediately. It’s as if we’ve fallen into hell, and we’ve lost the entire world.

Right?

If someone has been in many relationships, reflecting on the experience when they are young, they should resonate with this.

If we tell everyone to be completely desire-free, probably no one can achieve that. So this is just for reference.

任何的渴愛和執著都是危險的

舉例說，如果我們有心上人

不斷纏著他聊天聊天

但有一天發現， 原來他已經有男友/女友了

立即心碎了

立即下了地獄般

立即失去了全世界

對嗎? 

如果有誰談過許多次戀愛，回顧情竇初開的那段時期

應該頗有感受

如果叫大家完全無欲無求， 大概沒人做到

所以只供參考～

《Domestic violence》

Devotee: (describing situation..)How to deal with domestic violence?

Ajahn Suchart: Divorce.

If living together is harmful, not peaceful

Then you should divorce, better to live alone

《家庭暴力》

信徒：（描述情況……）如何處理家庭暴力？

阿贊蘇查特：離婚。

如果同住是有害的，不平靜的，

那麼你應該離婚，獨自生活會更好。

中文有一句四字詞叫‘兒女私情’

特指男女之間纏綿的戀情

這個詞其實形容得很好，男女之間的愛情幾乎都是私情

重點在這個‘私’字

不對嗎？

有些人說愛情是自私的

為什麼這樣說？ 

比方說，我們要追求這位女士或男士，就是想把他/她納為 ‘我的’ ，對嗎？

‘我的’ ‘我的’--這就是一般人所說的自私心

這種自私心顯現為許多負面情緒

例如當別人和自己的伴侶聊天去玩，自己就會憤怒，這是妒忌

有時不希望伴侶和人接觸，只准和自己一起，這是吝嗇

有時想掌控伴侶的一切，這是控制欲，或者說是貪戀權力

其實不只是愛情，人與人之間的關係，幾乎都是私情

世間大部份友誼也一樣 。 

誒～見這個人我喜歡，就也想把他納為 ‘我的’ ，對嗎？

幾乎人人都是這樣

父母與子女之間也是這樣，把對方互相視為‘我的’ 、  ’我的‘

這和愛情有什麼大分別？😂 除了愛情多了性慾在裡面外

朋友之間雖不叫‘兒女私情’， 但其實許多時也是‘男男私情’，‘女女私情’😂

這些私情是有副作用的。因為滲雜了煩惱在裡面。一旦這段關係產生變異，或失去這段關係；將會很難過，很傷心。和失戀差不多

一旦有很強烈的我執，只會對雙方構成壓力和傷害

有沒有’私情‘的感情嗎？

當然有。這是聖者的感情

例如佛陀和阿羅漢們，不會把任何關係看作是’我的‘ 

他們沒有任何私心，

單純希望任何靠近他們，甚至是整個世界的眾生都快樂，沒有痛苦。

如果他們有什麼成就，都會為他們而開心

就算他們不理睬自己，甚至是傷害自己，也不會難過

這是純潔的感情，無私的感情

就算進入一段愛情關係，沉溺性愛仍是不好的

例如在香港，慈善機構'母親的抉擇‘ 就估計每年香港都有5400宗青少年（15-24歲） 以外懷孕的個案

意外懷孕就是做事沒有深思熟慮的後果

當性慾和情慾蒙蔽理智，連避孕措施都懶得做

就如佛陀在AN1.45中所說，假如一個人的心渾濁，他將不知道自己的利益，他人的利益，和兩者的利益

絲毫沒有考慮到目前是否真的想要孩子

也沒有考慮到目前的經濟能力是否許可

也沒有考慮到萬一懷孕了要怎樣辦

如果是青少年意外懷孕，有許多仍是學生

只有兩個選擇：

1.墮胎，造下很大的殺人惡業

2.半工讀存錢養育小朋友/ 中途輟 學投身社會

就是因為被厚重的煩惱，而影響了一生或者往後許多生的軌跡

Even when entering a romantic relationship, indulging in sexual desire is still not good.

For example, in Hong Kong, the charity organization "Mother's Choice" estimates that there are about 5,400 cases of accidental pregnancies among teenagers (ages 15-24) each year.

Accidental pregnancies are the consequence of not thinking things through.

When sexual desire blinds reason, people may even neglect to use contraception. As the Buddha said in AN1.45, if a person's mind is defiled, they will not understand their own interests, the interests of others, or the interests of both.

There is no consideration of whether they truly want a child at that moment, nor of whether their current economic situation allows for it, and no thought about what to do in case of pregnancy.

For teenagers who accidentally become pregnant, many are still students, facing only two choices:

1.Abortion, which creates the bad karma of killing.

2.Work part-time to save money for raising the child or drop out of school and enter society.

It is heavy defilements that can affect the trajectory of this life or many future lives.

Image credit to the owner.

Data credit to 母親的抉擇 Mother's Choice 

有時看到很有趣的現象

例如一對情侶，一個就是願打，一個就是願挨

一個是施虐狂，一個是被虐狂

不單是情侶，有時人與人之間也是這樣

一個總是喜歡造成傷害，一個總是喜歡承受傷害

但是是自願的😂 

那麼奇怪都有，對嗎？

其實不奇怪，只是業力作崇而已

當惡業現前，什麼都看不清

就算知不知道會受到傷害，都一樣會撲過去施虐狂那裡，承受過去的惡業

這種惡業其實不難被迴避，淨化我們自己的心就可以了

在AN1.45中，佛陀曾說，如果一個人有混濁的心，將不會知道自己，他人，和兩者的利益

假如一個人有清淨的內心，就會知道自己，他人或兩者的利益

我們此時將會知道哪個人對我們真正有利，哪個人會和我們有健康的關係；然後親近他

哪個人對我們會構成損害 ，哪個人會和我們有不健康的關係；然後遠離他

但有時仍是理想主義，因為假如前面有個帥哥美女；相信大部份人都仍會被強烈的性慾和情慾所遮蔽，對嗎？

Sometimes, we notice an interesting phenomenon:

for example, in a couple, one is willing to inflict pain, and the other is willing to endure it.

One is a sadist, and the other is a masochist.

This isn’t just limited to couples; sometimes, it happens between people as well.

One always likes to cause harm, while the other always likes to endure harm— but voluntarily. 😂

Isn't that strange?

Actually, it’s not strange; it’s just karma at work.

When bad karma manifests, nothing is clear.

Whether one realizes they will be harmed or not, they still rush towards the sadist to endure past negative karma.

This negative karma can actually be avoided; we just need to purify our hearts.

In AN1.45, the Buddha said that if a person has a defiled heart, they will not understand their own interests, the interests of others, or the interests of both.

If a person has a pure heart, they will know their own interests and the interests of others.

At that time, we will recognize who truly benefits us and who will have a healthy relationship with us, and we would approach them.

We will also see who poses harm and who will have an unhealthy relationship with us, and we would distance ourselves from them.

But sometimes, idealism still prevails; because if there is a handsome guy or beautiful girl in front of us, I believe most people will still be blinded by strong sexual desire and lust, right? 

If we hold onto the self, problems arise.

The ego is even more dangerous than a nuclear bomb.

A nuclear bomb can only destroy this world,

but the ego can bring destruction across multiple realms.

Take this as an example:

Some people are obsessed with luxury cars—

That’s still better than being attached to romance.

Being attached to a woman will bring suffering for many lifetimes.

The ego is suffering. We must understand this.

Without understanding, we cannot solve our problems.

如果我們執著於自我，問題就會產生。

自我甚至比核彈更危險。

核彈只能摧毀這個世界，

但自我可以帶來多個生存界的毀滅。

舉個例子：

有些人對豪華車情有獨鐘——

這還比執著於浪漫要好。

對一個女人的執著將帶來多世的痛苦。

自我就是痛苦。我們必須理解這一點。

沒有理解，我們無法解決問題。

----Luang Por Ganha

Wednesday, March 12, 2025

在這個世界裡，我們不能擁有任何東西

為什麼這樣說？

並不是說現實中不能擁有，而是如果我們內心把他們當作是屬於自己的話

就會具有重量、 壓力、 緊張和擔憂--種種的負面情緒

我們一旦執著他們，自然就會覺得自己比人好、 和人平等、 比人差--這就是傲慢、 自大和自卑囖～ 然後就會遭人厭惡，也讓自己難受

有許多人談戀愛後，反而比沒談時更不快樂

因為讓伴侶完全佔據和壓著自己的心，構成內心很大的壓力和痛苦

Ajahn Suchart 曾教導說：’雖然是說結婚了，就讓我們當作自己還沒有結婚就是.了.如果想還沒結婚，要離婚的時候就容易了，如果想是結婚了，那麼要離婚就麻煩了，當結婚只是根據風俗習慣。但是我們的心不可以跟誰人結婚，我們的心一定要無時無刻都要保持單身能獨立，現在我們能一個人獨立嗎？接下來可能或者我們會變回一個人住，如果我們提早有這樣的思想，先準備那麼就不難了，但是如果沒有一個心理準備，就想說接下來我們永遠的兩個人住了，或者可能在一些日子裡沒有兩個人一起住了，那麼就受苦了，我們一定要時常的這樣想。我們沒有虧本也沒有失去任何東西，現在我也沒有得到什麼，我也是有快樂，希望我能正常的過日子。’

有些人看到可能會生氣，覺得是在教導我們不要愛自己的伴侶。

不是這樣的。

如果我們把親人或者伴侶當作是‘我的’ 的話，反而未能好好地愛護他們；因為會滋生許多的控制欲、 霸道、 妒忌、 吝嗇；滋生更多的吵架。這是自私，這不是愛。

但當我們不把任何人當作是‘我的’的話；反而能夠更尊重伴侶或別人；更能無私地愛護他們：

單純希望他們快樂、 單純希望他們離苦、 為他們的成就和快樂感到高興；忍受他們的惡意和傷害而不起情緒

In This World, We Cannot Possess Anything

Why do we say this?

It's not that we cannot possess things in reality, but if we internally regard them as belonging to us, it brings weight, pressure, tension, and worry—various negative emotions. 

Once we cling to them, we naturally start to feel superior, equal, or inferior to others—this is conceit. Then, we become disliked by others and cause ourselves sufferings.

Many people find themselves less happy after entering a relationship than when they were single. This is because their partner occupies and pressures their heart, creating significant internal stress and pain.

Ajahn Suchart once taught: "Even if you’re married, treat it as if you’re still single. If you think of yourself as being married, then divorcing becomes troublesome. Marriage is merely a social custom. However, our hearts should not be tied to anyone; we must always maintain the mindset of being independent. Can we be independent right now? We might return to living alone. If we prepare for this in advance, it won’t be difficult. However, if we lack this mental preparation and think we will always live as a couple, we will suffer. We must remember that we have lost nothing and gained nothing. I still have happiness and hope to live normally."

Some may feel angry upon reading this, thinking it teaches us not to love our partners. That’s not the case. If we view our loved ones as "mine," we may fail to care for them properly, allowing desire for control, dominance, jealousy, and stinginess to grow, leading to many arguments. This is selfishness, not love.

When we don’t view anyone as "mine," we can respect our partners and others more and love them selflessly: wishing for their happiness, hoping they are free from suffering, feeling joy for their achievements, and remaining calm and unbothered by any harm they might cause us.

The Origin of Love

comes from two factors:

1.Past life connections (บุพเพสันนิวาส)

In a past life, we may have been a couple; even in this life, just hearing each other's name can evoke strong feelings.

2.Mutual support in this life (การเกื้อกูลกันในปัจจุบัน)

In a past life, we may not have been a couple, but in this life, by helping and caring for each other, feelings gradually develop, leading to love and marriage.

Just like the lotus and the mud, they depend on and coexist with each other.

—— Luang Por Lersi Lingdam 

愛情的產生

源自兩個因素

1.宿世因緣（บุพเพสันนิวาส）

前世曾是夫妻，今生即便只是聽到對方的名字，心中也難以抑制情感。

2今世的互相扶持（การเกื้อกูลกันในปัจจุบัน）

前世未曾是夫妻，但今生互相幫助，彼此關懷，漸漸生情，相知相惜，最終相愛成婚。

正如蓮花與淤泥，相依相存。

—— Luang Por Lersi Lingdam

有個法友說得好😂

【婚前擇偶條件：貪嗔痴

婚後擇偶條件：戒定慧】

男人不壞，女人不愛

於是結了婚後就離婚～

唉！😂 

A Dharma friend said it well

"Pre-marriage selection criteria: Greed, Hatred, and delusion

Post-marriage selection criteria: Precepts, stillness, Wisdom"

A chinese saying goes: 'If a man isn't bad, a woman won't love him'

So after getting married, they end up getting divorced~

Sigh!

《單身、戀愛和婚姻》

我們來這個世間，最重要是什麼？ 開心沒煩惱！

如果談到單身與戀愛；大家覺得最頂尖的開心屬於哪個？ 單身！

【單身的快樂】

這世上最快樂的人都是單身的，他們是佛陀和阿羅漢。他們的快樂是最高的，因為他們擁有涅槃之樂。 涅槃就是一切貪嗔癡煩惱的永久熄滅。佛陀在Ud.12 中說，世間的感官享樂（眼睛接觸到怡人的影像，耳朵聽到好聽的聲音，鼻子聞到好聞的味道，舌頭嚐到好吃的東西，身體接觸到很好的觸感，心感知到快樂的情緒和目標），以至是天界的快樂，都不及涅槃之樂的十六份之一。

隆波帕默形容，證悟涅槃時，心會生起極強烈的愉悅，強烈到幾乎昏厥，快樂到死。

Ajahn Suchart 也說：【一旦一個人開悟了，就不需要任何東西來快樂。 這就是開悟心的本質。 開悟的心是滿足的心、快樂的心； 它不需要任何事物來使它滿足或快樂； 它本身就可以快樂。】

這些完全開悟的人已經快樂到不需要任何東西去填補自己的心，因此他們是不需要戀愛和婚姻的。

因此單身人士，其實並不需要羨慕那些在談戀愛的人。單身一人，都可以很快樂。也因此而高尚。

我們可以透過布施、幫助別人，而獲得內心的滿足感和快樂

我們也可以透過持戒不傷害自他，而獲得內心的滿足感和快樂

我們也可以修習禪定，去獲得那種連綿不斷的幸福感

我們也可以修習智慧，讓自己放下一切，讓心輕鬆自在、快樂沒壓力

【戀愛婚姻的過患】

我們也可以看到戀愛所帶來的壞處---就是會滋生煩惱

例如我們被他吸引後，便會一直想著要怎樣追求他，心非常的不安與飢渴、不安寧

一旦有了伴侶，就會認定他是‘我的’ ，心立刻沉重不安了

然後就想要控制他，為他和自己帶來壓力和痛苦

心時常牽掛他、擔心他，這也是壓力和痛苦

談戀愛時未得對方父母同意，便與他性交；便會引起雙方家庭的不滿、生氣和痛苦，自己也悔疚、造了一件不好、不善的事

就算是結婚後，如果夫妻之間充滿淫欲，也是很難受的。心非常灼熱、飢渴。我想要時你不想要，我不想要時你想要。 然後雙方便會摩擦、爭執、不滿

夫妻事實上是兩個獨立個體來的。他們的意見難度會完全一致嗎？所以一定會起衝突的。這個也是苦

有時我們要避嫌，結果有很多東西都不能做了。和別人走得太近也不可以。出去哪裡做什麼也要報告、獲得批准。人生彷彿失去了自由，關進監牢裡。

如果我們生了孩子，那就更煩惱燥熱了。因為大家都多了一件負擔、多了東西煩惱、多了機會爭執。

如果伴侶出軌，我們將會痛不欲生，像下了地獄般

如果失戀離婚，或者伴侶死了，我們也會痛不欲生，像下了地獄般

【伴侶相處之道】

談到這裡，大家覺得這裡是要分裂大家的婚姻和感情嗎？

不～沒有這樣的動機，純粹希望大家開心。

在談戀愛的，沒有叫你們分手

結了婚的，並沒有叫你們離婚

談戀愛或者結婚的，怎樣可以讓自己更輕鬆更快樂？

要認清真相，我們現在經歷的快樂是無常的、無法掌控的。

伴侶時而好，時而壞；不會總是帶給我們快樂的。

如果我們執著他，那當他不好的時候，或者他離開我們的時候；苦的只是我們自己

不要覺得他真是我們的，而應當尊重他為一個獨立個體。

我們永遠都不能控制他的喜怒哀樂、他的思想、語言和行為；對嗎？既然不能控制，他不真是我們的。

如果這樣想，心中的負擔立即被卸去，反而能更好地愛他。

怎樣是真正的愛？

慈-希望他快樂

悲-希望他離苦

喜-為他的幸福而開心

捨-不論他對我們好還是不好，我們都保持中立平靜，不會自大自卑，不會執著、貪戀和痛苦，不會迷了進去。

除了這四種愛外，其他的控制欲、心黏黏的愛、性愛、吵架；都不是真正的愛。因為這些僅僅是為了滿足自己的私慾而已，僅僅是自我中心的表現而已。

如果我們的關係被這些不善的愛所佔據，只會帶來內心的灼熱和不安。同時會造成對方的困擾。 

例如有些人一談戀愛，就會想二十四小時都粘著對方。熱戀期時ok ,但過了一會兒，就會讓人厭煩。要記得，我們每個人都是獨立的個體啊！

【維持良好關係的方法】

要維持一段健康的感情或婚姻，並不是透過自私自利的

佛陀就教導了四個方法

1. 布施：

我們佈施、饋贈給別人。

例如他喜歡吃雪糕， 那就請他吃雪糕

他喜歡 Iphone , 那就送 iPhone 給他

他喜歡什麼， 就送什麼給他

2. 愛語：“我們說好聽、親切的說話

3. 利益的行為

我們做有利於他的事情

他如果需要幫忙， 我們就幫忙

他茫然， 不知怎樣做， 我們就給他建議

4.平等

我們和他同甘共苦

一起吃飯、一起聊天、一起相處、一起分擔喜憂

如果具有這四攝法，便能攝持對方，讓這段關係保持健康與良好

【夫妻相互之間的義務】

佛陀在DN31中教導，

作為丈夫應該以五件事對待妻子：

1.尊重-像對母親那樣尊重地説話

2.不輕蔑-不會像對奴僕那樣鄙視地説話

3.不通奸，不搞婚外情

4.讓予主權-家務等就讓她全權打理，讓她開心，避免她憤怒不滿

5.贈送飾品或者其他禮物

作為一位家庭主婦則有以下職責：

1.妥善安排家務的工作，

2.攝集侍從工人—用上上面的四攝法來攝持住下人，例如送禮物，請他們吃東西

3.不通奸

4.守護丈夫、家裏所得的財富和一切

5.對一切家裡的事務嫻熟、不懶惰

這是佛陀給古印度夫妻的建議。

但如果是現代，對於某些夫妻可能已經不合時宜了

有時不再是男主外，女主內；而是兩個都出去工作

如果是這樣的話，家裡的事務就大家都有責任去處理了

【最理想的夫妻關係】

最理想的夫妻關係就是大家都開心

怎樣大家都開心？就是少一點煩惱，多一點清涼

煩惱是什麼？貪嗔癡，自私

清涼是什麼？不貪、不嗔、不癡；無私，不執著

我們雖然有伴侶，享受感官欲樂，但不會執著不會痴迷。

例如轉輪聖王那樣，他們通常都會在每半月的第八日、第十四、第十五日持八戒，節制感官、保持內心的清淨（MN83）

雖然他也有許多個兒子，接近一千個；意味著他們仍會有夫妻之間的性行為。但他不會沉迷上癮

也不會執著妻子。他們總是會在晚年出家修習禪定和梵行（MN83），如果不是，則會在家修梵行，就如佛陀前世那樣（DN17）

甚至可以幾千年都不見一次皇后

在菩薩當轉輪王那一世，他不執著的程度，強到就算皇后哭著叫他不要死，要生起對生命的依戀，他也沒有因此而動搖，教導皇后要跟自己說：「陛下！與一切所愛的、合意的分離、別離吧。陛下！你死時不要有期待，死時有期待是苦的，死時有期待是應該被呵責的。』等捨棄對生命執著的話。之後他了無執著地往生梵天界

一般人可能會覺得難以接受：‘你不執著我，是否不愛我？’

不～他不執著我們，事實上才是真正的愛我們。如果他執著我們，其實他是愛自己而已，自私地把我們拉去他的心、滿足自己的渴求而已。大家都不執著彼此，但仍然互相愛護，這就是無私的愛，不滲雜痛苦的愛。

當我們和他離別、我們死了；他仍平靜地祝福我們：朋友，我就送你送到這裡，願你在新一趟生命旅程中愉快～

我們來這個世間，最重要是什麼？ 開心沒煩惱！

"Being Single, Dating, and Marriage"

What is the most important thing in this world? Happiness without worries!

When it comes to being single versus being in a relationship, which do you think brings the most happiness? Being single!

【The Joy of Being Single】

The happiest people in the world are those who are single; they are the Buddha and the arahants. Their happiness is the highest because they possess the joy of nibanna. Nibanna is the permanent extinguishing of all greed, hatred, delusion, and all forms of deilements. The Buddha said in Ud.12 that the pleasures from the five senses (such as pleasing sights for the eyes, pleasant sounds for the ears, delightful scents for the nose, tasty foods for the tongue, enjoyable sensations for the body) and even the pleasures of the heavenly realms are not even one-sixteenth of the joy of nibanna.

Lungpo Pramote describes that when one attains nibanna, an extremely strong joy arises, so intense that it almost leads to fainting, a happiness that feels like dying.

Ajahn Suchart also said: "Once a person is enlightened, they don't need anything to be happy. This is the essence of an enlightened heart. An enlightened heart is a satisfied and happy heart; it doesn't need anything to feel fulfilled or joyful; it can be happy on its own."

These fully enlightened beings are so joyful that they don't need anything to fill their hearts, so they don't need a relationship or marriage.

Therefore, single individuals really shouldn't envy those in relationships. Being single can also bring great happiness, and  is noble.

We can gain inner satisfaction and joy through generosity and helping others.

We can also attain inner satisfaction and joy by observing the precepts and not harming ourselves or others.

We can practice stillness to experience ongoing happiness.

We can cultivate wisdom to let go of everything, allowing the heart to be light, free, and joyful without pressure.

【The Troubles of Dating and Marriage】

We can also see the downsides of dating—namely, that it can breed worries and defilements

For example, once we are attracted to someone, we may constantly think about how to pursue them, leaving our hearts very unsettled and thirsty.

Once we have a partner, we may perceive them as "mine," which immediately burdens our hearts with anxiety.

Then we may want to control them, bringing pressure and suffering to both ourselves and them.

We often worry about them, which also adds to our stress and suffering.

If we engage in sexual relations without the consent of their parents, it can lead to dissatisfaction, anger, and pain from both families, and we may feel regret for doing something wrong or unwholesome.

Even after marriage, if the relationship is filled with lust, it can be very uncomfortable. The heart feels very hot and thirsty.

When I want it, you don’t want it;

when you want it, I don’t want it.

This leads to friction, disputes, and dissatisfaction.

In fact, a marriage consists of two independent individuals. Is it possible for their opinions to always align? Conflicts are inevitable, which is also suffering.

Sometimes, to avoid suspicion, many things become restricted. We cannot get too close to others. We have to report where we go and what we do, as if life has lost its freedom and is confined to a prison.

If we have children, the worries and stress increase even more , because we both have an additional burden, causing more disputes.

If a partner cheats, we may feel unbearable pain, as if we are in hell.

If we experience breakup, divorce, or the death of a partner, we can also feel unbearable pain, similar to descending into hell.

【The Way to Relate with a Partner】

Having discussed this, do you think I am trying to divide you from your marriages and relationships?

No—there is no such motive; I purely only hope for your happiness.

For those who are dating, I am not telling you to break up.

For those who are married, I am not telling you to divorce.

How can those who are dating or married make themselves feel more relaxed and happier?

We must recognize the truth: the happiness we experience now is impermanent and uncontrollable.

Partners can be good at times and bad at others; they will not always bring us happiness.

If we cling to them, then when they are not good or if they leave us, the only one who suffers is ourselves.

We should not think of them as truly ours, but respect them as independent individuals.

We can never control their emotions, thoughts, words, or actions, right? Since we cannot control them, they are not truly ours.

If we think this way, the burden in our hearts will be lifted, allowing us to love them better.

What is true love?

loving kindness—wishing for their happiness.

compassion—hoping they are free from suffering.

Empathetic Joy—being happy for their happiness.

Equanimity—remaining neutral and calm, regardless of how they treat us; not becoming arrogant or feeling inferior; not clinging, being greedy, or suffering; not losing ourselves in attachment.

Aside from these four types of love, any controlling desire, clingy love, sexual desire, or arguments are not true love. These are merely expressions to satisfy one’s own selfish desires, self-centered.

If our relationship is dominated by these unwholesome forms of love, it will only bring inner heat and unease, while also causing distress to the other person.

For example, some people, when in love, want to be with their partner twenty-four hours a day. This is fine during the initial period of passion, but after a while, it becomes annoying. We must remember that each of us is an independent individual!

【Ways to Maintain a Healthy Relationship】

To maintain a healthy relationship or marriage, it cannot be through selfishness.

The Buddha taught four methods:

1.Generosity:

We give and offer to others.

For example, if they like ice cream, then treat them to ice cream.

If they like an iPhone, then give them an iPhone.

Whatever they like, give it to them.

2.Kind Speech:

We speak kindly and sweetly.

3.Beneficial Actions:

We do things that benefit them.

If they need help, we help.

If they are confused and do not know what to do, we give them advice.

4.Equality:

We share joys and sorrows together.

Eating together, chatting together, spending time together, sharing joys and concerns.

If we embody these four methods, we can win each other over, keeping the relationship healthy and good.

【Mutual Responsibilities Between Partners】

The Buddha taught in DN31 that,

As a husband, you should treat your wife with five things:

1.Respect—speak to her with the same respect you would show your mother.

2.No contempt—do not speak to her in a contemptuous manner as you might to a servant.

3.Do not commit adultery or engage in extramarital affairs.

4.Grant her authority—let her manage household matters fully, to keep her happy and avoid her anger or discontent.

5.Give her gifts or jewelry.

As a housewife, your duties include:

1.Properly managing household tasks.

2. win over servants—using the four methods mentioned above to win over the household staff, such as giving gifts and treating them.

3.Not committing adultery.

4.Protecting  the wealth and belongings which belong to your husband and the household.

5.Being skilled and diligent in all household matters.

This is the Buddha's advice to couples in ancient India.

However, in modern times, this may no longer be relevant for some couples.

Sometimes it is no longer the case of the man working outside and the woman managing the home; both may work outside.

If that is the case, managing household matters becomes a shared responsibility.

【The Ideal Couple Relationship】

The ideal couple relationship is one where everyone is happy.

How can everyone be happy? By having less worry, defilements and more peace.

What is worry? Greed, hatred, and delusion, selfishness.

What is peace? Not being greedy, not being angry, not being deluded; being selfless and not attached.

Even though we have partners and enjoy sensual pleasures, we do not cling or become obsessed.

For example, like the Wheel Turning  king who usually observes the Eight Precepts on the eighth, fourteenth, and fifteenth days of each half month, restraining the senses and maintaining inner purity (MN83).

Although he may have many sons, close to a thousand, meaning that there are still sexual relations between the couple, he does not become addicted or obsessed.

They always cultivate meditation and Brahmacaryā (upholding eight precepts ) in their later years (MN83); if not, they practice Brahmacaryā (upholding eight precepts ) at home, just like the Buddha in his past lives (DN17).

They can even go for thousands of years without seeing their queen.

In the life of the Bodhisattva as a Wheel Turning  king, his level of non-attachment was so strong that even when the queen cried and begged him not to die, trying to instill attachment to life in him, he remained unmoved, teaching the queen to say: "Your majesty! Separate from all that is loved and desired is normal. Your Majesty! When you die, do not have expectations; having expectations while dying is suffering and should be reprimanded." He then let go of attachment to life and passed away without attachment to the Brahma realm.

Ordinary people might find it difficult to accept: "If you do not cling to me, do you not love me?"

No—if he does not cling to us, that is true love for us. If he clings to us, he is merely loving himself, selfishly pulling us into his heart to satisfy his own cravings. If everyone does not cling to each other but still cares for one another, that is selfless love, free from the pains of attachment.

When we part from him, or when we die, he will still calmly bless us: "Friend, I will accompany you this far. May you find joy in your new journey of life."

What is the most important thing in this world? Happiness without worries!

這兩隻小可愛溫馨地依偎在一起

但只要他們知道並能接受：他們兩人終究會分離，隨時都有機會分離

他們便更能珍惜尊重彼此，同時不執著，少憂惱，沒煩惱地過活

到離去那天，他們都能保持平靜

These two little cuties cuddle warmly together.

But as long as they know and can accept that :they will eventually separate, and that for each moment there is always a chance for separation,

they can cherish and respect each other more.

At the same time, they live without attachment, worry, or troubles. When the day of parting comes, they can both remain calm.

當男孩子追求我們的時候

我們要認清，

他是自私才會追求我們的

如阿羅漢完全無私的人根本不會談戀愛

他們因為想透過我們的身體，聲音，氣味，口水味道，觸感等獲得快樂，拿感官快樂給自己，滿足自己的自私慾望，才會來追求我們

他自己的重要性必然大過我們的重要性

當我們不再像以前那樣能提供快樂給他們

那我們就等於死了

因此，擁有而不執著，必保平安

《婚姻》

一場婚姻要經營得好確實有難道

我們都是為了找些東西去填補自己的不滿足，才會去找老公老婆，對嗎？

所以還是自己是最重要的。就如佛陀所說，我們最愛的其實是自己啊！（Ud.41）

很少聽過人說，我找老公老婆，就是為了把快樂帶給他或她，對嗎？

我有快樂！ 誰要來接受我的快樂，接受我的愛？--很少是這樣的。通常是取過來，多過給出去；以自我為中心

如果我們問自己，或者訪問身邊的好友為什麼要追求她或他；就會發現，很多時大家心底裡都只是想和對象性交啊！尤其是年輕人是這樣，尤其是男士是這樣。

阿姜曼一針見血地說，就是因為性慾支配著男人、女人、各種動物，讓他們的激情生起,使他們在彼此另一半中找到歡樂 —— 這就是自然的法則。除此之外,再也沒有任何東西會引發彼此間的愛意與彼此間的仇恨了。

但如果只是以性慾去經營婚姻，那是很不穩定的。許多人到了中年就會離婚，為什麼？ 對方已經老了，不再性感吸引了！而自己的性慾都已經慢慢退卻了，不需要再有性愛了。而長時間結婚以來，大家都對彼此失去了慚愧之心，將自己一切的缺點，例如貪婪啊，自私啊，傲慢啊，控制欲啊，脾氣差啊，妒忌啊，吝嗇啊全暴露給對方

事實上，我們一直以來都是自私的，只不過結了婚後就更加自私。開始要更多的東西。但有誰人能夠一直給給給呢？伴侶永遠不能滿足我們所有的願望的，對嗎？ 連我們自己也不能滿足世上任何人的所有願望啦！

摩擦，生氣，不滿，憤怒就此而生

但難道這些情緒是好的嗎？ 阿姜曼就曾反問信徒：【你有沒有認真試著去改正這個困難?如果真的有,那就不應該常發生(爭吵),就算盡最小的努力也足以控制脾

氣(爭吵)。不然的話,就會一天照三餐那樣:早上吵,中午也吵,到了晚上還是吵 —— 日以繼夜的規律。

有些人甚至到最後以離婚收場,讓孩子也被捲入大火災中。但孩子是無辜的,卻也必須承擔這樣的惡業。每個人都會被這場熾烈的大火給灼傷:親朋好友會因不好意思而跟你們保持距離。假設雙方都有心解決這個問題，他們就該意識到爭吵是一件不好的事,一旦開始(爭吵)就立即停止,努力在這一點上去改正,然後事情就會自行解決,而這樣的問題在未來也就不會再發生了。

例如說:當憤怒或嫌惡生起時,首先,想一想你們一起共同擁有的過去;接著,想一想你們未來要一起共度的餘生;現在把這個拿去與剛剛出現的惡意比較一下,這應該就足以使事件平息。」】

有時我們根本不是要伴侶，Ajahn Brahm 形容得好--我們要的是電視機：我要一個男人，他要無時無刻娛樂我，讓我笑；如果我不想要，我可以關掉它。無論什麼時候，他一直都在我身邊。 

世上哪有這樣的人？這根本只是工具人

我需要他的那樣，他剛巧也需要我的這樣—這樣才促使一般愛情和婚姻的發生。

一切都是無常的，我們無法一直都讓雙方滿意。所以摩擦，一定會有

所以假如要讓一段婚姻更加幸福，就要減少自我。

這個自我是什麼？就是貪嗔癡，自私。這些是灼熱的。

一段婚姻充滿著自私自我，哪會幸福？雙方都一直被火燒， 傷心、難過、生氣，因為有太多想要。想要不被滿足，就會有負面情緒和吵架。隆波間夏說：【自我不僅會燒灼我們自己，還會燒灼他人。這就像一片永不滿足的海洋，

或一團永不滿足的火焰。它為自己和他人帶來麻煩。】

也說：【自我感是造成自己和他人痛苦的原因。】【假如我們在家庭中放下自我，我們便不會吵架】【如果沒有自我的話， 是不會跟人吵架的】

【如果我們捨掉自我，每個人都會立刻相親相愛。一旦有自我，就無法相愛。】

隆波間夏曾經教導一位有婚姻問題的女士：【你必須知道如何照顧他人—

只有如此，你才能留住你的丈夫！如果你以自我為中心，你將無法留住你的丈夫。你需要知道這個咒語來保持丈夫的忠誠。一旦他忠誠，你就會成為掌握財富的人。誰管理金錢，誰就贏。那個人成為銀行家。這很簡單。】、

我們要記得，每個人都是自私的，最愛的也是自己。誰能把快樂一直帶給他，讓他快樂，他就會喜歡我們，愛上我們。

當我們把自我去除，就能把快樂一直帶給別人了。為什麼？ 沒有自我、沒有貪嗔癡的人是幸福快樂的！

這時心中只有慈悲喜捨

慈是希望別人快樂

悲是希望別人離苦

喜是為對方的幸福感到開心高興

捨是不會對對方有任何自私的執著欲求，無論對方怎樣傷害我們，背叛我們，我們也不會傷心、難過和生氣。也不會因為對方對我們好而飄起來，自私地執著他。心中保持平穩的中捨平靜

他想要電視機，那就讓自己變成電視機囖！（笑） 

電視機就不需要什麼，因為電視機自己本身已經夠快樂了

他想要我們給他快樂，那就給囖！

他不想要，那我們就入定囖！（笑） 

不需要從他身上得到些什麼，只是作為給予者

做到嗎？ 如果做不到還會一直吵架（笑）

《Marriage》

Managing a marriage well is indeed challenging.

Usually, we seek partners just to fill our own desire, right?

So, ultimately, oneself is the most important. As the Buddha said, the one  we love most is ourselves! (Ud.41)

It’s rare to hear someone say, “I’m looking for a husband or wife to bring them happiness,” right?

Instead, it’s often about what we can take rather than what we can give; everyone is self-centered.

If we ask ourselves or our friends why we pursue someone, we often find that deep down, many just want to have sex with the other person! This is especially true for young people, particularly men.

Ajahn Mun sharply pointed out that 【 it is sexual desire that drives men, women, and various animals, igniting their passions and leading them to find joy in one another. This is the law of nature. Beyond that, nothing else sparks love or hatred between people.】

However, if a marriage is based solely on sexual desire, it is very unstable. Many people divorce in middle age. Why? Because their partner has aged and is no longer attractive! And their own sexual desire has faded, no longer needing intimacy. Over time, couples lose their sense of shame and expose all their flaws, such as greed, selfishness, arrogance, desire to control , bad tempers, jealousy, and stinginess to one another.

In fact, we are inherently selfish; marriage often makes us even more so. We start wanting more. But who can keep giving endlessly? A partner can never fulfill all our desires, right? Not even we can satisfy everyone’s desires in this world! Thus, friction, anger, dissatisfaction, and resentment arise.

But are these emotions good? Ajahn Mun once asked his disciples: 【“Have you seriously tried to correct this difficulty? If you have, then quarrels shouldn’t happen often; even minimal effort should be enough to control your temper. Otherwise, it becomes a daily routine: arguing in the morning, at noon, and in the evening—day after day.”

Some people even end up divorced, dragging their children into the chaos. The children are innocent but must bear the kamma . Everyone gets burned by this intense fire: friends and family may distance themselves out of discomfort. If both parties genuinely want to resolve the issue, they should realize that arguing is harmful. Once it starts, they should stop immediately and strive to correct it, allowing matters to resolve themselves and preventing future occurrences.

For example, when anger or disgust arises, first think about your shared past; then, consider your future together. Now compare this to the newly arisen malice; this should be enough to calm the situation. 】

Sometimes we don’t want a partner at all. Ajahn Brahm describes it well—we want a television: “I want a man who entertains me and makes me laugh at all times; if I don’t want him, I can just turn him off.He’s always there for me. ‘’

But where can you find such a person? This person is merely a tool!

I need what he has, and he happens to need what I have—this is what sparks typical love and marriage.

Everything is impermanent; we can’t always satisfy each other. Therefore, friction will inevitably occur.

To make a marriage happier, one must reduce the self. What is this self? It’s greed, aversion, and ignorance—these are burning.

A marriage filled with selfishness cannot be happy. Both sides are constantly burned, feeling sad, upset, or angry due to wanting too much. When desires are unmet, negative emotions and arguments arise.

Luang por Ganha said: “The self not only burns us, but it also burns others. It’s like an ocean of insatiability or a flame that never satisfies. It brings trouble to ourselves and others.”

He also said: “The sense of self is the root of suffering for oneself and others.''

'' If we let go of the self within the family, we won’t argue. ''

''Without the self, there won’t be arguments. If we abandon the self, everyone will instantly love each other. Once the self exists, love cannot flourish.”

Luang por Ganha once taught a woman with marital issues: “You must know how to care for others—only then can you keep your husband! If you’re self-centered, you won’t be able to keep him. You need to know this spell to maintain your husband’s loyalty. Once he is loyal, you will be the one in control of the wealth. The one who manages money wins. It’s that simple.”

We must remember that everyone is selfish; the one we love most is ourselves. Whoever can consistently bring happiness to them will be liked and loved by them.

When we remove the self, we can consistently bring happiness to others. Why? Because those without self-- greed, aversion, and ignorance are immensely happy! At this point, the heart is filled with loving-kindness,compassion, empathetic joy and equanimity

Loving-kindness is wishing others happiness.

Compassion is wishing others to be free from suffering.

Empathetic Joy is feeling happy for another’s happiness.

Equanimity means having no selfish attachment or desire towards others, regardless of how they may hurt or betray us, we won’t feel sad, upset, or angry. Nor will we become  attached and arrogant when they treat us well. We maintain a calm and stable heart.

If he wants a television, then let us become that television! (laugh)

A television doesn’t need anything because it is already satisfied.

If he wants us to bring him happiness, then let’s provide it!

If he doesn’t want it, then let’s turn ourself off and meditate! (laugh)

We don’t need to gain anything from him, just be givers.

Can we do that? If not, we will keep arguing! (laugh)

<<以愛之名>>

精神科醫生常常會看見不同的人， 也自然看見不同的問題了。

如果談婚姻， 常見的問題就是過份的控制、言語暴力、身體的暴力、依附型關係。

精神科教授分享， “當你看見一個女人對你黐黐纏纏。 你要認清， 其實你的重要性不是很大。她只是要一樣東西給她依附”

你只是碰巧被選中去滿足她的私慾而已 (笑) 不要覺得自己很重要。

如果結婚談戀愛是在滿足自己的控制欲， 那不真是愛。 您是要手下，您是要當老大。

如果您對伴侶言語暴力， 身體上暴力;這不是愛喔。愛的話，會惡意地去傷害別人的心， 傷害別人的身體嗎?

如果說:“我是因為信任你， 才在你面前顯露真本性而已”

這是為自己的惡行找藉口。

有誰喜歡家裡常常吵架， 一回到家就被人攻擊傷害？

那寧願不要您的信任了， 因為伴侶更喜歡快樂

要進入愛情、步入婚姻， 或多或少都有自私在。多數都是。

自私的愛是在滿足自己的私慾， 是在愛自己。

真正愛對方是：

希望對方快樂

希望對方脫離痛苦

為對方的成就、快樂感到高興

如果對方離開自己、背叛自己、傷害自己 ， 自己都保持平靜中捨， 不會憤怒不滿

如果一段婚姻有更多真正的愛， 就會有更多的清涼和快樂

結婚

主题：结婚

妇女 ：我的女儿结婚了。

师父 ：也是好，去结婚也是一种幸福之一，这个快乐的后面是苦跟随着来，等下眼泪一定要流下，只是快和慢而已，它是不稳定的快乐，3天好4天坏，因为人是不稳定，人们给予我们快乐，他也是不稳定，他也一直变来变去，有是脾气好，有时脾气就坏，所以要一个心里准备，不要一直想甜蜜的事情，有时候要压抑它，如果心里能接受就没有什么问题，但是如果一直在甜蜜中，一旦遇到酸苦的，那时就不能接受了。

在这个世间要学习接受，无常，没有什么稳定，开始时候就好，但是相处了，一旦久了，就觉得厭倦了，这一切的感觉没有了，然后可能还要去寻找其他新的东西来代替，他和我们也是一样。

要尽量的持守五戒的第三戒 邪淫，一定要诚实，至少我们心里会舒服，如果不诚实，我们的心就在挣扎，要去外面寻找快乐，所以我们要保护我们的心，所以我们要守持戒律，至于别人他们要持受戒律或者不要，我们也不能控制他，我们一定要接受，接受说他可能不要持戒，他可能骗我们，他可能去外面寻找什么，也不要去注意，如果有怀疑和不放心，那么就相处在一起也就没有快乐了，也要让他去吧!放下--这是他的事情，他要诚实或者不诚实，我们是不能阻止他和控制他的。

我们要成为侦探一直注意他，也就白白的浪费，我们在这里，我们也不知道他做什么，对吗？他要对于我们做什么，我们也不能阻止他，但是如果我们在预算说他一定这样做，他一定那样做，我们一定是不舒服，如果他没有在我们的预算之内。

所以我们不要限定我们不能控制的事情，一定要让他自由，就好像现在没有结婚一样，是怎样的呢？结婚了就要这样？不要认为他是受我控制，如果认为他是我的，那么就会担心，担心了又担心将没有快乐，现在我没有苦，因为没有去控制他，我们也没有认为他是我的，现在他做什么，我们也没有困扰，所以当结婚了，就想说还没有结婚，还不是属于我的，如果想说他是我的呢？那么就执着了，那么就会担心又担心，希望他诚实，但是我们不知道是否能阻止他。

所以我们一定要接受，不要去执着他，虽然是说结婚了，就让我们想说自己还没有结婚就是了，如果想还没有结婚，要离婚的时候就容易了，如果是想结婚了，那么要离婚就麻烦了，当结婚时也是根据风俗习惯，但是我们的心不可以跟谁人结婚，我们的心一定要无时无刻都要保持单身能独立，现在我们能一个人独立吗？接下来可能或者我们会變回一个人住，如果我们提早有这样的思想，先准备那么就不难了，但是如果没有一个心理准备，就想说接下来我们永远的两个人住了，或者可能在一些日子里没有两个人一起住了，那么就受苦了，我们一定要时常的这样想。

我们没有亏本也没有失去任何东西，现在我也没有得到什么，我也是有快乐，希望我能正常的过日子。

虽然我们结婚了，我们可能会再重复单身，也没有看到在那里亏本啊！就好像我们去游玩，玩完了就回家去了，就回来原点，不需要伤心，去游玩回来了不会伤心？对吗？所以要尽量的这样想，不要去执着谁人或者任何东西，因为没有什么是肯定，如果执着了，有了就不能在一起了，当有分离的时候就辛苦了，“无常”如果不要遇上就不要结婚。

妇女 ：太迟了。

师父：还没有迟，还没有結婚。一旦在智慧生起时，他们还没有在结婚之前两天就离婚，有好多这样的案件。

一旦有智慧时，就明白说正在向地狱走，没有上天堂，有智慧的人看到正要去地狱，但是没有智慧的人就以为真正登上天堂，如果不相信可以尝试看。

Phra ajahn sutchat

Better not to marry 最好不要結婚

人們必須理解。一旦我們理解，就能認識到苦、苦的原因，以及導致苦止息的修行方法。

缺乏理解會讓我們受苦。

即使某人比「伊隆·馬斯克」更富有，他們仍然不會感到滿足。

即使在美國擁有比「特朗普」更大的權力，他們仍然不會感到知足。

這就是自我的本性。我們必須認識到這一點。

自我不僅會燒灼我們自己，還會燒灼他人。

這就像一片永不滿足的海洋，

或一團永不滿足的火焰。

它為自己和他人帶來麻煩。

我們必須理解這一點。

一旦我們理解，就不會追逐自己的慾望。

我們需要制止自己，給自己踩上剎車。

如果我們不制止自己，我們最終會想要一個丈夫。

自我表現為對丈夫的渴望。

我們需要理解這一點。

身體本身不是問題。

問題出在心上。

心使我們一次又一次地重生。

我們必須以這種方式理解心。

我們需要認識到這顆心是由過去的業力塑造的。

它與新的業力相連；它使我們尋求丈夫。

我們必須理解這一點。

如果我們不理解，我們就像提德一樣……（一個名字）來抱怨他的女兒，

然後向我抱怨，直到我感到不知所措。

我告訴他，為什麼要抱怨她？

她已經因為出生而受苦；為什麼要增加她的負擔？

如果你沒有結婚，你會有孩子來抱怨嗎？

這就是我告訴他的。

我們必須理解，以便不必要地干涉，

造成自己和他人的問題。

我們需要理解這一點。

佛陀教導我們要理解，就像做飯一樣。

所有的食物必須先正確地烹煮。

用火煮熟，無論是煮沸、燉煮或其他任何方法。

一旦煮熟，先讓它冷卻。

如果不冷卻，就會燒傷你的嘴。

我們都需要避免追逐影像或聲音。

如果我們追逐它們，我們會失去戒德、定力和智慧。

通過避免這些，我們的心可以平靜下來，

當我們的心平靜時，它們會冷卻。

這就是我們修習戒德、定和智慧的方式。

佛陀教導說，戒律是一種命令，法則是一種教誨。

通過這些，我們獲得平靜。

平靜與智慧必須並行存在。

兩者必須在當下同時存在。

如果我們這樣修行，我們的心將逐漸找到平靜和冷靜。

當我們禪修時，就像為我們的身體帶來氧氣。

當我們受到外部條件的影響時，我們失去了氧氣。

如果我們以自我為中心，就會變得過於不安。

我們需要簡單地理解這一點。

活在當下，我們必須通過理解找到快樂。

我們必須實踐，

這樣我們的生活才能找到平靜與快樂，

以及當下的狂喜和專注。

我們都需要培養這種平靜，以獲得真正的幸福。

這就是應有的方式。

不要擔心沒有丈夫。

這不會要你的命！

你同意嗎？你同意嗎？

擁有一個生意的老闆更好。

Yome……，我教她不要嫁人。

過去，她是一名選美比賽參賽者。

現在她已經變老。

她的家中有四個姐妹，沒有一個人結婚。

我告訴她們，她們的父母是愚蠢的。

不要像她們的父母一樣愚蠢。

一切都已過去，她們的心已經找到平靜。

那時候，看到男人會讓她們驚呼：「哦，我的天！」

但現在她們理解心。

思想是至關重要的。

我們的思想創造了男性的精子，

而在女性中，它們導致月經。

這些思想導致了生育。

對於阿羅漢（覺悟者）來說，

月經停止，

精子的生成結束。

這是因為他們超越了本能，也就是自我。

我們必須理解這一點。

即使在天空之上，還是有另一片天空。

我們必須理解這些紀律和修行。

不要思考過度到受苦的地步。

以這種方式放下自我。

2025年1月14日的法談

#Luang por ganha

#嘉蒂·嘉依沙巴

#法之嘉依沙巴

#瓦帕·蘇布塔維

照片：#kung_isarankura

People must understand. Once we understand, we can recognize suffering, the cause of suffering, and the practices that lead to the cessation of suffering.

A lack of understanding will burn us.

Even if someone is wealthier than 'Elon Musk,' they still won’t feel satisfied.

Even with more power than 'Trump' in America, they still won’t feel content.

This is the nature of the ego. We must recognize it.

The ego will burn not only ourselves but also others.

It’s like an ocean that is never satisfied with water,

or a fire that is never satisfied with fuel.

It creates trouble for itself and for others.

We must understand this.

Once we understand, we won’t chase after our desires.

We need to stop ourselves, to put the brakes on.

If we don’t stop ourselves, we’ll end up wanting a husband.

The ego manifests as the desire for a husband.

We need to understand this.

The body itself is not the problem.

The heart is where the problem lies.

The heart causes us to be reborn again and again.

We must understand the heart in this way.

We need to recognize that this heart is shaped by past karma.

It connects with new karma; it leads us to seek a husband.

We must understand this.

If we don’t understand, we’ll be like Thid… (a name) who comes to complain about his daughter

and then complains to me, to the point where I feel overwhelmed.

I told him, why complain about her?

She’s already suffering from being born; why add to her burden?

If you hadn’t married, would you have children to complain about?

That’s what I told him.

We must understand so that we don’t interfere unnecessarily,

causing problems for ourselves and others.

We need to understand this.

The Buddha taught us to understand, just like cooking food.

All food must be properly cooked first.

Cooked with fire until it’s done,

whether it’s boiling, stewing, or any other method.

Once it’s cooked, let it cool down first.

If it’s not cool, it will burn your mouth.

We all need to avoid chasing after forms or sounds.

If we chase after them, we’ll lose our virtue, concentration, and wisdom.

By avoiding this, our hearts can calm down,

and when our hearts are calm, they cool down.

This is how we cultivate virtue, concentration, and wisdom.

The Buddha taught that the Vinaya is a command, and the Dhamma is a teaching.

Through this, we attain calmness.

Calmness and wisdom must go hand in hand.

Both must exist in the present.

If we practice this way, our hearts will gradually find peace and coolness.

When we meditate, it’s like bringing oxygen into our bodies.

When we’re influenced by external conditions, we lose our oxygen.

If we are ego-centered, we become too restless.

We need to understand this simply.

Living in the present, we must find joy through understanding.

We must practice in action,

so that our lives can find calmness and happiness,

along with rapture and one-pointedness in the present.

We all need to cultivate this calmness for true happiness.

This is the way it should be.

Don’t worry about not having a husband.

It won’t kill you!

Do you agree? Do you agree?

It’s better to be an owner of a business.

Yome... , I teach her not to take a husband.

In the past, she was a beauty pageant contestant.

Now she has grown old.

At her home, there are four sisters, none of whom have taken husbands.

I told them their parents were foolish.

Don’t be as foolish as their parents.

Everything has passed, and their hearts have found peace.

Back then, seeing a man made them go, "Oh my!"

But now they understand the mind and the heart.

Thoughts are crucial.

Our thoughts create male sperm,

and in women, they cause menstruation.

These thoughts lead to reproduction.

For an arahant (enlightened one),

menstruation ceases,

and sperm production ends.

This is because they transcend their instincts, which is ego.

We must understand this.

Even above the sky, there is always another sky.

We must understand these disciplines and practices.

Don’t overthink to the point of suffering.

Let go of the ego in this way.

Dhamma Talk given on Tuesday 14 January 2025

#LuangPhorGunhah_Sukhakamo

#JaideeJaisabaai

#Dhammajaideejaisabaai

#WatSubthawee

Photo : #Kung_Isarankura

《Choosing a Spouse》

In fact, having a partner equals having trouble.

For example, Luang Por Ganha often advised believers not to get married, stating that inner peace and happiness are more important than having a husband.

Getting married is like entering a prison or hell. Have we ever seen a wife who doesn't complain? Have we ever seen a couple who doesn't argue? Have we ever heard of a couple without unhappiness? Just ask others or observe closely, and you'll know.

But if you still want to get married, then you need to choose your husband or wife wisely. A spouse can significantly impact our later life.

Why? Oh, we sleep together every day, spend time getting to know each other, share joys and hardships, and chat daily. After a while, both of our thoughts and views gradually align—if we are truly close. When mindsets change, language changes, behavior changes, and our futures will change.

Oh! Everyone must be cautious! Marrying the wrong person is worse than choosing the wrong profession!

Really, when two people come together, many things become similar. For instance, there is a case in which someone was originally a social media influencer, his partner turns out to start becoming the same after dating.

The longer they are together, the more their appearances start to resemble each other. Why? Because one’s appearance reflects their heart! Their hearts become similar through prolonged interaction!

The Buddha once taught a layperson to associate with virtuous individuals (AN 8.54). Who are virtuous people? They possess:

1.Faith – believing in the Buddha's enlightenment.

2.Generosity – being willing to donate and help others.

3.Moral conduct – adhering to the Five Precepts and practicing ten wholesome deeds.

4.Listening – to the teachings of the Buddha.

5.Wisdom – observing the nature of arise and fall, eading to the wisdom to detachment and suffering alleviation

The Buddha said that associating with such people, along with other factors, ensures happiness in this life.

It also ensures happiness in future lives.

Why?

Because by being close to them , we naturally become influenced by them and become like them. These virtues will become firmly established in our hearts. They not only help us achieve prosperity and happiness in this life due to our good karma, but also bring happiness in countless future lives due to this good character.

When choosing a spouse, one should select such people to bring long-lasting happiness and joy.

I've seen a case where someone married a wife interested in Buddhism. As a result, because he had to accompany her to Buddhism classes, he ended up attending it as well. Later, both became devout Buddhists and gained significant benefits.

But if you choose the wrong spouse, it can be disastrous. Ajahn Golf once shared a story about a couple of beggars who thought one of them must be unlucky, so they decided to separate to beg, fearing they might starve to death together. In the end, the husband remained poor for a long time, while the wife became the wife of a wealthy man.

What led to the wife's happiness? Aside from her decent looks, she was diligent, upright, and humble—possessing these good qualities . Most importantly, she left the unlucky one (laugh).

The people we associate with can influence the maturation of our good and bad karma to some extent. For example, in past lives, Prince Bodhi and his wife killed young birds on an island, so in this life, they suffer the consequence of being childless after becoming a couple (MN 85). Perhaps if they hadn’t married, this kamma wouldn’t have had a chance to mature.

Ajahn Keng also mentioned that some people specifically choose wealthy families for their children to connect with.

This is because,  it can let good kamma they have done with that family, allowing them to ripen now,  sharing prosperity together

Therefore, choosing the wrong spouse has significant consequences. How can we tell if someone has big merits? We can see their virtues. An ancient saying goes, "The generous are rich, and the pure are esteemed." Those who are generous are the truly rich; those with a pure heart and weak ego + defilements will hold a high position and be respected. Even if they aren't currently, they will surely be in the future. Such people are potential assets.

However, I must add that, those who seek marriage are choosing a path of suffering and trouble.

《選老婆老公》

其實伴侶，是麻煩來的。

例如隆波間夏就常常叫信徒不要結婚，內在的平靜和快樂比要一個丈夫重要。

結婚就是進入監牢，進入地獄。

我們有見過不抱怨的老婆嗎？

我們有見過不吵架的夫妻嗎？

我們有聽過沒有不開心的夫妻嗎？

訪問一下別人，或者細心觀察一下，就知道了

但如果仍然想結婚，那就要好好地選老公老婆了。

老公老婆足以影響我們下半生。

為什麼？噢～我們天天一起睡，天天都花時間了解彼此，同甘共苦，天天都一起聊天。過了不久後，大家的思想和看法都漸漸一致了---如果大家是真的親密的話。 當心態改變，語言都會改變，行為都會改變，我們未來都會改變。 噢！大家務必謹而慎之！

嫁錯郎，娶錯妻比入錯行更淒慘！

真的，兩個人走在一起，許多東西都會變得相似。例如看過男方原本是做網紅的，女孩子跟他談戀愛後，也都一起做網紅了。

兩個人談戀愛得久，樣貌都越來越相似了。為什麼？相由心生！他們的心因為長久混在一起而變得相似了！

佛陀就曾教導一位在家人，要去結交德行成熟的人（AN8.54）。誰是德行成熟的人？

就是具足

1. 信，相信佛陀的覺悟

2. 布施，會慷慨捐贈，幫助別人

3. 戒德，持守五戒十善業

4. （聞：聆聽佛法）

5. 智慧：觀看生滅而導向放下執著，拔出痛苦的智慧。

佛陀說，結交這樣的人，連同其他要素，就保今生幸福。

其實也保來世幸福。

為什麼？因為親近他們，和他們做朋友，我們很自然就會耳濡目染，變得像他們。這些美德就會牢固在我們心中。

不僅能資助我們，讓我們今生繁榮快樂；也讓我們因為這個良好的性格而帶來多生多世的幸福。

選老公老婆，要選這些人；才能為自己帶來長久的幸福和快樂的。

看過有人，就是娶了一個對佛教有興趣的老婆。結果因為要接送老婆上佛學班，所以最後自己也一起上了。後來兩位也成為了虔誠的佛教徒，因此而獲得了很大的利益。

但如果選錯老公老婆，那就慘了。 Ajahn Golf 就曾說過一個故事：

就是一對乞丐夫婦，覺得他們應該其中一人是倒霉蛋，於是便決定分開去行乞，以免兩個一起餓死。

後來老公過了很久一樣那麼潦倒貧困，但老婆卻做了富翁的妻子。

什麼促使老婆的幸福？除了樣子不差外，她勤奮，正直，謙卑—有這些善業善法。最重要的是，她離開了倒霉蛋（笑）

我們近一些什麼人，是會某程度影響我們的善惡業成熟的，是有些關係的。例如過去世菩提王子和他的妻子在島上殺幼鳥，因此今生結成夫妻後就一同承受無子的惡報。（MN85） 或許假如他們不結成夫妻，這個業就沒有機會成熟了。

Ajahn Keng 之前也有提到，有些人就是專選大戶人家來讓自己的兒女過契，是有些關係的！ 可以沾到別人的福氣的！

其實即是促使某些過去和這戶人家一起造的善業成熟。

所以如果我們選錯老公老婆，那個後果是很大的。 如何知道對方有沒有福氣？看他有沒有德行就知道了。古語說，‘厚者富，清者貴’。 誰是慷慨大方的，那人就是富人；誰是心清淨的，自我和煩惱薄弱的，他地位就會崇高，備受尊重。 就算當下不是，他未來也必定會是。 這些人就是潛力股～

不過還是要加多一句，誰要婚姻就是要苦和麻煩的人～

Has anyone watched this Korean variety show?

These variety shows often bring more pain to others than joy.

Society portrays being single as hell and being in a relationship as paradise.

As a result, many people feel uncomfortable being single.

Seeing others show off their love makes them feel insecure, angry, and jealous.

They constantly crave companionship and feel very frustrated, anxious, and restless.

These are the damages that societal trends inflict on people's hearts.

Many friends around us may have been hurt because of this.

But they don’t see the side effects of being in a relationship!

While being in a relationship can bring happiness, it also inevitably brings unhappiness.

There will definitely be arguments, dissatisfaction, and friction.

Sometimes there may be infidelity or disloyalty.

And if young people are in a relationship, they are almost guaranteed to breakup.

There will definitely be tears, right?

These are things that ordinary people won’t openly discuss, right?

Everyone just shares the good news and not the bad ones, right?

These are the drawbacks of impermanent things.

Therefore, wise people do not yearn for relationships.

Here we  go against the tide—

What is being single? Being single is a sign of wisdom. Look at the Buddha and the Arahants; they are all single.

What is being single? Being single is a sign of complete selflessness. Look at the Buddha and the Arahants; they are all single.

What is being single? Being single is a mark of the saints. Look at the Buddha and the Arahants; they are all single.

What is being single? Being single is a sign of coolness and happiness. Look at the Buddha and the Arahants; they were all single.

Therefore, single individuals should not feel inferior or desperate. Why? Being single is paradise!

If others are in love or getting married, then bless them and be happy for them. Why be jealous of others? Even though we know there bound to be pain involved.

If the mind is good, whether single or in a relationship, one can still be cool and happy. Do you agree?

有人看過這個韓國綜藝節目嗎？

這些綜藝節目，實際上帶給別人痛苦，多過快樂。

社會的潮流將單身描繪為地獄，戀愛是天堂

結果看過許多人單身的話就很不自在

看到別人秀恩愛談戀愛就很自卑，生氣，妒忌

自己不斷渴求渴求想要找個伴侶，非常沮喪，不安，混亂

這些就是社會大潮流對人心造成的損害囖

大家身邊的朋友都可能因此而受過傷

但他們看不到戀愛的副作用啊！

談戀愛一定有開心，同時也必定有不開心

一定有吵架，一定有不滿，一定有摩擦

有時會出軌，有時會不忠

而且如果是年輕人談戀愛，近乎百分百會失戀

必然有眼淚，對嗎？

這些一般人是不會公開說出來的，對嗎？

所有人都只是報喜不報憂，對嗎？

這些就是無常事物的過患

因此有智慧的人並不會嚮往愛情的

這裡就要逆潮流～

單身是什麼？單身是智慧的特徵。我們看看，佛陀、阿羅漢；全部都是單身哦

單身是什麼？單身是完全無私的特徵。我們看看，佛陀、阿羅漢；全部都是單身哦

單身是什麼？單身是偉人的特徵。我們看看，佛陀、阿羅漢；全部都是單身哦

單身是什麼？單身是聖賢的標誌。我們看看，佛陀、阿羅漢；全部都是單身哦

單身是什麼？單身是清涼快樂的標誌。我們看看，佛陀、阿羅漢；全部都是單身哦

因此單身的人士，並不用感到自卑或者飢渴，為什麼？單身是天堂～

別人談戀愛，別人結婚；那就祝福他們，為他們開心囖，為什麼要妒忌別人～雖然我們知道一定會參雜著痛苦

如果心好的話，無論是單身還是有伴侶，也一樣可以清涼快樂，同意嗎？

《如何選老公/老婆?》

2022年7月03日開示

9：00-10：40

凡夫其實就是煩惱習氣非常多的人。要想把它連根拔起，一點一滴地挖掉並不容易。從一開始我們就要懂得選擇結交人。這個是非常重要的一個起點，如果我們結交什麽樣的人，我們就有可能往那個方向發展。假如我們結交不好的人，他也會帶領我們去不好的方向，一定要好好地觀察跟體會。

比如説，假如我們喜歡誰，必須要好好地看。早期在追求的時候，大家是保持距離的，大家都戴著面罩，不知道大家真實的面孔是怎麽樣的。必須要了解一段時間才能知道。要想找對象，必須要找戒、法和我們相匹配的，水平差不多的。同樣都對持戒有興趣，同樣都有學法的興趣。這樣家庭才會比較幸福跟快樂。

假如已經有了，就要盡量努力地相互影響，而不是他們把我們帶到不好的方向。而是盡量努力地帶我們的家庭能夠逐步地提升，帶他們來聼法之類的，這樣就很好。有機會見到出家人是很吉祥的事情。

完整開示：

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClsoVoq8RLU

日本科學家川道博明（Hiroaki Kawamichi）與他的同事對處於熱戀早期的人進行腦部成像觀察，發現這些人大腦中參與「獎賞機制」的灰質減少了，降低了人們對獎賞的敏感性。而大腦灰質不僅與我們的「大腦獎賞機制」有關，部分灰質與我們的注意力、記憶、情緒也有關。也就是說，當大腦灰質減少時，一定程度上會變笨，也變得更焦躁不安。處於熱戀時，情緒更不穩定，開心的事會讓人更開心，傷心的事會讓人更傷心。

當我們的BB 叫我們BB 的時候。

我們真的變BB 了

我們都知道妒忌是不好不善的。但當我們和別的男孩子聊天，我們的BB 不妒忌吃醋，我們就生氣，說他不愛我們了

我們都知道生氣和吵架是不好不善的。但當我們的BB 處處忍讓，我們就生氣，說他不信任我們，因此不想和我們說心裡話，不吵架。

我們都知道吝嗇是不好不善的。但我們只想獨自佔有BB ，不想任何人碰他。

我們知道性慾是貪欲貪婪的表現，是不善法。但我們只想和BB 性交。

佛陀說一切條件組合的事物都是無常的，但我們卻不願意思維無常，寧願覺得我們和他之間的感情是永恆的。

佛陀說一切法無我，但我們卻覺得BB 是我們的。

佛陀說一切條件組合的事物是苦的，因為它們終會消失敗壞。但我們卻覺得BB 是快樂的東西。

佛陀說身體是不乾淨的，但我們卻覺得我們的BB 六塊腹肌真的是太好看乾淨了。看不到裡面的屎尿和濃血。

我們的BB說我們是世界上最漂亮的人，最好的人，最善良的人。哦？是嗎？

那些環球小姐，國美呢？

佛陀和阿羅漢呢？

我們又去相信BB 的說話了。

當戀愛腦的時候，我們是完全沒有戒定慧的。

我們不去約束自己的感官，

一見到BB , 就生起性慾情慾，沒有節制

一聽到BB 的聲音，心就醉了

一嗅到BB 的香水，心就砰砰砰砰跳了

一和BB 接吻的時候，嘗到他的口水，心就醉了

一和他性交，就什麼道德倫理都拋下了。

一想起他，心裡立刻生起貪欲。

噢！這時我們的心是沒有美德的！

當戒不好，定也不好

就好像日本科學家說的那樣，情緒會非常不穩定，開心的事會讓我們更加生起貪欲和驕傲

不開心的事會讓我們更加傷心和自卑。

當沒有定力的時候，不要說智慧了，只有愚癡。

所以說，當伴侶叫我們BB 的時候，我們真的變BB 了

"We shouldn't Date While Studying?"

Previously, there was a very popular Facebook page in Hong Kong called "Elite School Secrets," which allowed students from prestigious secondary schools to anonymously share their school secrets and anecdotes.

One day, a parent submitted a post (laugh). She complained about her daughter dating while in high school. What happened next? A large group of high school students who were dating commented under the post, passionately criticizing the parent (laugh). Look—human emotions are so easily manipulated. Once you hit the core of what they are attached to, they lose control of their emotions (laugh).

Parents often tell us: "Don't date while studying." Why? Because they see that dating usually lowers our grades and performance in other areas. But they often struggle to explain the reason behind, so their advice lacks strong persuasiveness.

In fact, research has already been conducted. For example, Japanese scientist Hiroaki Kawamichi and his colleagues conducted brain imaging studies on people in the early stages of love. They found that the gray matter involved in the "reward system" of these individuals decreased, leading to a reduced sensitivity to rewards. Gray matter is not only related to our "brain reward system" but also connected to attention, memory, and emotions. This means that when gray matter decreases, it can make us somewhat less intelligent and more anxious. When in love, emotions become more unstable; happy events make us even happier, and sad events make us even sadder.

Why does this happen? When we see someone and fall in love with them, what happens? Our sexual organs and body react, our hearts race, and just seeing the other person makes us happy. This sensation means the stir up of sexual desire.

When our eyes see the body of the opposite sex, and our ears hear their voice (contact),

it generates feelings of pleasure (feeling).

This pleasure leads to cravings for love and sexual desire (craving), which then intensifies into strong attachment (grasping),

and we pursue him/her (bhava/existence).

Generally, love—especially young love—comes from the lack of mindfulness to recognize and block the series of processes that follow "contact."

The typical period of infatuation in most people is a time when mindfulness is severely lacking. When mindfulness weakens, stillness and concentration also diminish.

When stillness weakens, wisdom declines.

Why? When our hearts are occupied by defilements, we lose awareness of our own interests, the interests of others, and the interests of both (AN5.194). When our minds are unclear, we don’t know what we should or shouldn’t do—this is foolishness!

Furthermore, the Buddha said that when our hearts are occupied by defilements, our memory declines (AN5.193). As defilements accumulate, our hearts become heavy and dull, leading to a decline in overall intelligence and sharpness.

Some people, burdened by defilements, even fail to consider the feelings of their partner’s parents and family and engage in sexual relations, causing distress and pain for both families—this is a lack of precepts.

What happens without mindfulness, precepts, stillness, and wisdom?

When one should be in class, they are distracted by thoughts of the opposite sex.

When one should be studying, they are dating, talking on the phone, or thinking about sexual matters.

They indulge in sexual activities, which ultimately affects their academic performance.

In fact, it’s not just academics; the Buddha said that anyone who indulges in women(/men) is heading toward decline (Sn1.6). In the workplace, it impacts job performance. Whatever one does, it affects performance. This is the downside of indulgence in sex.

If one is consumed by lust, it will not only lead to these issues but also impact mental health.

For instance, after being attracted to someone, one may constantly think about how to pursue them, leading to feelings of anxiety and restlessness.

Once they have a partner, they may think of them as "mine," causing immediate feelings of heaviness, pressure and unease.

They then want to control their partner, bringing pressure and pain to both themselves and their partner.

Constantly worrying about their partner and fearing they might be taken away also creates stress and suffering.

Additionally, high school students, due to their immature minds, often don’t understand how to manage relationships. Thus, it is often said that first loves usually end in breakups. After a breakup, they obviously feel devastated because they have always perceived the other as "mine." Once separated, they lose motivation for everything, struggle in school, and may even suffer from depression or contemplate suicide.

Sometimes, those in love can feel even more unhappy, confused, and restless than when they were single.

This isn’t to say that everyone should completely avoid dating, because if that were the case, as the saying goes, "If the water is too clear, there will be no fish; if one examines too closely, there will be no followers." Most people simply can’t do that; this is the level of a noble being of non-returner/ thrid stage of enlightenment (laughs).

So the key point is not to become too indulged. The Buddha's term is also 'indulgence'.  Pa Auk Sayadaw teaches some laypeople who cannot practice extensively: "You must resolve: I will not indulge in sensual pleasures. Of course, if it is appropriate, there’s no problem, but indulgence is also not good."

When we don’t indulge in love or sexual desires, even if we have a partner, it likely won’t become too much of an obstacle.

How do we avoid indulgence? By constantly recognizing the unclean aspects of our partner’s body, we prevent lust from becoming too strong.

We should also see them as ever-changing and uncontrollable, not becoming overly attached to them. Since we cannot control everything about them, we shouldn’t believe they truly belong to us. Ajahn Suchart says: "If you think they are mine, then you will worry; worrying leads to a lack of happiness."

If they are unfaithful, even if we monitor them 24/7, we still cannot control them. Ajahn Suchart teaches that even if we are married, we should treat marriage as a social custom, but our hearts should not marry anyone; we must always maintain a mindset of independence.

No one can guarantee that after marriage, we will grow old together. What if there is a sudden divorce? What if they suddenly pass away? If our hearts remain vigilant and not overly attached, we can swiftly accept these situations without suffering.

If we don’t indulge in anything, we can keep our girlfriends or boyfriends, husbands or wives, and still maintain high levels of academic performance and work efficiency.

Because we have enough mindfulness, stillness, and wisdom, we can handle relationships, finances, and all aspects of life with ease. Many successful examples demonstrate this.

To possess without attachment allows us to enjoy many wonderful things while remaining happy. 

《求學時不要談戀愛？》

之前在香港有一個facebook 專頁是很熱門的，叫做 名校secret

就是專門讓那些名牌中學的學生匿名分享自己學校的小秘密和趣聞

唉，然後有家長去投稿（笑）。投訴讀中學的女兒談戀愛

結果發生了什麼事？ 一大群正在談戀愛的中學生就去帖子下留言罵爆她（笑）

看～人類的情緒多麼容易被操控。一切中要害，一擊中他們執著的東西，他們就情緒失控了（笑）

父母常常對我們說：‘求學時期不要談戀愛‘

為什麼？因為看到通常談戀愛會拖低我們的成績和其他方面的表現。

但他們就是不懂怎樣去解釋和表達，所以通常他們的勸導是沒有很大的說服力和理據的。

其實已經有人做過研究。例如日本科學家川道博明（Hiroaki Kawamichi）與他的同事對處於熱戀早期的人進行腦部成像觀察，發現這些人大腦中參與「獎賞機制」的灰質減少了，降低了人們對獎賞的敏感性。而大腦灰質不僅與我們的「大腦獎賞機制」有關，部分灰質與我們的注意力、記憶、情緒也有關。也就是說，當大腦灰質減少時，一定程度上會變笨，也變得更焦躁不安。處於熱戀時，情緒更不穩定，開心的事會讓人更開心，傷心的事會讓人更傷心。

為什麼會這樣？ 當我們看見一個人然後愛上他的時候會發生什麼事情？性器官和身體會有反應，小鹿亂撞，心跳加速，光是見到對方就很開心。

這是性慾被撩起了。

當眼睛看到異性的身體

當耳朵聽到異性的嗓音（觸）

生起愉悅的感受（受）

愉悅的感受引申起渴愛和性慾（愛）

然後再加強為強烈的執著（取）

然後去追求他/她（有）

一般的愛情，尤其是年輕人的愛情就是這樣來的了（生）

就是缺乏正念去識破並堵住緊接‘接觸‘之後的一連串過程

一般人的熱戀期就是正念嚴重缺乏的時期。

正念一薄弱，定力專注力也會跟著薄弱

定力一薄弱，智慧也跟著下降

為什麼？當我們心被煩惱所掌控佔據的時候，我們是不知道自己的利益，他人的利益，和兩者的利益的（AN5.194）。心不清晰的時候，我們不知道什麼應該做，什麼不應做—這就是愚蠢囖！ 而且佛陀說心一被煩惱所佔據，我們的記憶力會下降（AN5.193）。煩惱一多，心便變得沉重遲鈍，整體的智力和敏銳度因此會下降的

有些人煩惱太厚重，甚至都沒有考慮到對方父母和家庭的感受，就和伴侶性交，為雙方家庭帶來困擾和痛苦—這是沒有戒的表現。

沒有正念，戒，定力和智慧會發生什麼事？

該聽課的時候不聽，想異性

該溫習的時候不溫習，去談戀愛，通電話，想色情的東西

沉溺性愛

最後當然會影響學業成績了～

其實不只是學業，佛陀說，誰人沉溺於女色，生命都一樣是通往衰敗的（Sn1.6）

工作的，會影響工作表現。

做什麼，也會影響那樣的表現。

這是沉溺於女色和性愛的弊端

如果沉溺於女色，不只會是這樣，還會影響我們的精神健康

例如我們被他/她吸引後，便會一直想著要怎樣追求他，心非常的不安與飢渴、不安寧

一旦有了伴侶，就會認定他是‘我的’ ，心立刻沉重不安了

然後就想要控制他，為他和自己帶來壓力和痛苦

心時常牽掛他、擔心他，也會想‘他會不會被人搶走啊‘ --這也是壓力和痛苦

然後中學生因為心智不成熟，他一開始他的初戀，通常也不太懂經營這段關係。因此有人說，初戀通常以分手收場。

分手後當然傷心欲絕了，因為一直都認定他/她是‘我的‘。這樣一分開，就做什麼都沒有心情，無心向學，患上抑鬱症，有些走去自殺

因此有時看到愛上別人的人，反而比單身時更不開心、更混亂、更不安寧

並不是叫大家完全不要談戀愛，因為如果這樣說的話，就「水至清則無魚，人至察則無徒」。因為根本大部份人都做不到，這是三果聖者程度（笑）。

所以重點是【不要過於沉溺】 。佛陀的用詞也是【沉溺】。帕奧禪師也教導一些不能修很多的在家人：【你要決意：我不會沉溺於欲樂。當然如果是如法的，沒什麼問題，但是沉溺也不好】

當我們不沉溺愛情，不沉溺性愛；那麼就算有伴侶，大概都不會太構成障礙了。怎樣不沉溺？就是要常常看清伴侶身體骯髒的特性，不要讓淫欲過於強烈。也要常常看到他/她不斷變異、無法掌控、不能維持的特質，不要過於粘住執著他。因為不能控制他的一切，所以不要認為他真的是我們的。Ajahn Suchart 說：【如果認為他是我的，那麼就會擔心，擔心了又擔心將沒有快樂】

他要出軌，我們就算24小時監視著他也根本控制不了

Ajahn Suchart 就教導，就算我們結婚了，就【當結婚是根據風俗習慣，但是我們的心不可以跟誰人結婚，我們的心一定要無時無刻都要保持單身能獨立】

沒有人保證結婚後一定能一起白頭到老。可能突然離婚呢？可能他突然死去呢？

如果心時刻保持警覺，不過於執著，那到時候心就能很快接受，不會痛苦。

如果我們不沉溺任何東西。女朋友男朋友可以照有照留著，老公老婆可以照留著。但我們的學業，工作表現也一樣能維持高水平的運作。因為正念，定力和智慧夠，所以應對人際關係，理財，生活上的一切，也得心應手。也見過許多成功的例子是這樣的

擁有而不執著，就可以同時擁有許多美好的事物，但保持快樂